You name has popped up several times today on Facebook. I was just editing my email contact list, and your name popped up there. Each time I saw your name I felt shocked.
You aren't supposed to be dead.
I feel like I should put "dead" in quotes, because I don't feel like your essence has been snuffed out of all existence. I don't have concrete evidence I can present in a court of law to prove you are still in existence somewhere (just not here). But the idea of your essence no longer existing is as ridiculous to me as the idea that my parents are not really my parents: while I am sure there is some statistical probability of it being true, that probability is very, very small.
Anyway, I am thinking of you. I am horrified by the way your body was discovered...though, to be honest, I think I would have been more horrified had you slowly wasted away in a hospital. I am shocked by the empty space in my family that you used to occupy. We didn't talk or email often. We rarely saw one another. But I knew you were out there in the flesh, and that was good enough for me. I am still having trouble grasping the fact that you no longer are.
I hope you are at peace. I tend to believe you are; the idea that you would not be also seems ridiculous to me.
Thanks for the record collection. I know you didn't give it to me or explicitly leave it for me, but I feel like I ought to thank you anyway, because your care of it over the years is why I am able to enjoy it, now. I've nearly alphabetized the entire thing. I'm pretty sure you had the albums alphabetized, too, but I am also sure you understand why it was more important to get them out of there as quickly as possible than to worry about keeping them in order. I've listened to a lot of them, though nowhere near half of them. I've been saying, "I didn't know XYZ is the one who recorded this!" and, "I had no idea the version I first heard in the 90s/00s was originally done by XYZ!" a lot. I haven't listened to any albums in a couple of weeks, though. I've been avoiding them. I've been overwhelmed by the reason I have them in the first place. But don't worry: I'll eventually get back to listening to them. I just need some time.
And hey, I got your message that day. You know the one. I really needed to hear that. I don't do it, anymore. I know you'd be pleased.