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12 May 2008

I've Decided I'm A Christian...Kinda

For some months I've reluctantly considered myself agnostic. I cannot say for sure I know God exists, but I *can* say for sure that most of what I was told about who God is, what God does, and what God will do for me did not work out that way. I wanted to be a Christian, because that spiritual tradition is what speaks most deeply to me. But with my doubts, I didn't feel right calling myself one, so I settled for "agnostic"...though if pressed, I would say, "agnostic, with Christian leanings."

(I can already see that if I am to get these musings out, I will have to accept them being less than polished. At least they'll be honest.)

Yesterday I went to church. I paid special attention, because in addition to it being pentecost Sunday, it was new members and confirmation Sunday. I have been wondering if I can still say I am a Christian and, therefore, a member of Riverside Church, with all of my doubts about God's existence, etc. I listened carefully to what they asked the new members (paraphrased):

1. Do you profess Jesus as Lord?
2. Do you promise to be a disciple of Christ?
3. Do you promise to participate in the life of this Christian community?

I can honestly answer, "Yes," to all of those questions. That is a relief, because I didn't want to float around without any spiritual community, and I like what Riverside Church stands for. I may have questions about God and even about Jesus' divinity, but I believe in the things he taught and am a disciple of his. (I believe *Jesus believed* he was the Son of God, and that's as far as I can go with that, right now.) So I left feeling more confident that I can declare myself a Christian, a disciple of Christ, and remain a member of Riverside, rather than continuing to call myself agnostic.

(Granted, my discipleship looks very different now than it did years ago. Back then it was about making my life look the way other people said a Christian's life is supposed to look, and forcing myself to think the way other people said a Christian is supposed to think. These days my discipleship is about honesty, through and through, not forcing myself to fit in a box. I do what makes sense to me, and I am honest about the fact that I am doing it because it is what makes the most sense to me, even if it looks opposite what I had been told a Christian does. I figure if there is a sentient God keeping score, God is more likely to appreciate my honesty than my attempts to make myself into someone I am not. And if/when I change, it happens because changing makes the most sense.)