Sometimes I Need to Remind Myself

[wlotus]

I had my paper journal with me (of course) when I attended this morning's open rehearsal for the New York Philharmonic's opening night gala. After reading the musical director's bio in the programme, I wrote this in my journal.

The new musical director for the NY Phil, Alan Gilbert, is 42. How does one get into a field they love and manage to have their hard work respected, so they can get to that level? I am 40 and unknown.

Then again, most people are not world-renown in their field.

My lack of private violin instruction when I was young need not be the end of my musical story. If I study with a private teacher for 10 years, I could be good enough for a community orchestra. I figure I am at an 8- or 9-year-old's level on the instrument; 10 years of study will put me musically at age 18, mature enough to join a community orchestra. It may not be the NY Philharmonic or Chicago Symphony, and I may never be premier soloist material. My name probably will never be known on the world stage, but most people never make a dent on that level. What's important is whether I love what I do, not who knows and approves of me outside of myself.

It would be nice to have the fame and respect of Alan Gilbert, Janet Jackson, or Sade. But it's time for me to grow up...and I mean that in a loving way, not in the way others have shot, "Grow up!" at me when my behavior does not match their expectations. I mean to say it is time I stopped judging my worth as a person by my childhood fantasies of being famous and adored on a global scale. Am I living life honestly? Does my behavior match my values, and if not, am I taking steps to correct the disparity? Do I treat others with respect and compassion as much as possible? These are the things by which I ought to judge my life, and living this way will help me recognize my inherent worth as a person.

Comments

[ennuiescapist.livejournal.com]

I can relate to this entry painfully well.

What I can offer is this:

Music-making was not really intended to be about fame and prestige at its inception. It was about joy and expression.

We don't have to subscribe to these popularized, vapid societal ideals of attainment.

I struggle with this a lot, too. Especially today.

And my private violin instruction for 14 years did NOT turn me into a Joshua Bell or a Sarah Chang... Although some of my old colleagues now play in professional orchestras.

My first violin teacher wanted my parents to send me to a school in NYC. They refused. I often wonder what if. What if they had? Would I be a pro by now? Would I be worthwhile? Would my life then mean something?

Playing music is a gift to your soul, first and foremost.

[wlotus.livejournal.com]

I sometimes wonder what if, as well. But for all I know, if I had had the chance to get private instruction, I would have gotten into the highly competitive musical world only to find I did not like the atmosphere or the people. Or I could have gotten into it and something tragic could have gone wrong in my life to force me to put down the instrument for good. It's an alternative universe with a whole new set of unknowns, so there is absolutely no way to know what might have happened.

[wlotus.livejournal.com]

My first violin teacher wanted my parents to send me to a school in NYC. They refused. I often wonder what if. What if they had? Would I be a pro by now? Would I be worthwhile? Would my life then mean something?

All other things remaining equal (same family history, etc.), you might have been a pro, but you would have the same self-esteem problems that you have, now. Being a professional musician could never make up for the emotional nurturing you did not (but should have) received at home. You would still wonder if you are worthwhile. (You are.) You would still question whether your life meant something. (It does.)

Your parents' lack of nurturing has nothing to do with your worth. You have always been worthwhile. They are just too stuck in their own personal hells to see it.

[ex-momilu.livejournal.com]

Am I living life honestly? Does my behavior match my values, and if not, am I taking steps to correct the disparity? Do I treat others with respect and compassion as much as possible? These are the things by which I ought to judge my life, and living this way will help me recognize my inherent worth as a person.

Yes to this. I think too many people sidestep all this for an idea that Making A Difference has to be on par with world-famous. This was a good reminder today of what I want to work toward. Thank you.

[flyingshaman.livejournal.com]

You are beautifully thoughtful and compassionate, and I really admire that about you.

[scream4noreason.livejournal.com]

Somewhere in that long life story i wrote last week I forgot to add the three years of opera lessons I paid for myself. I ws never able to pursue it but I say, pick up that violin first chance you have!