wlotus | When Real Life Knocks Heads with Others' Expectations

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When Real Life Knocks Heads with Others' Expectations

One thing that regularly freaks me out about living in the real world is the way my response to real life sometimes collides with others' expectations of How I Should Handle Things^TM. When my life goes, "BOOM, FALL DOWN!" in ways that intersects with others' paths, it can be interesting and frustrating to find their expectations dropping on my head along with the shrapnel from my personal war zone.

It's surprising to see who doesn't understand where I'm coming from. You would think it would be the person who has never been in a similar situation, but sometimes it's the person who has been there who can be the harshest critic. "I've been through that and I was able to keep going. What's wrong with you that you can't? If I can do it, you can, too!"

Well, no, not necessarily. In spite of our circumstances being similar, I am not you. I may cope differently, need more time to recover after the wind gets knocked out of me, or perhaps even recover more quickly and thoroughly than you would. Furthermore, that is okay. None of that gives you the right to make judgments about my maturity or self-motivation; chances are your judgments are going to be dead wrong, anyway.

I'm watching that happen to someone else, and it drives me crazy on their behalf. I'm hearing both sides, and there are a lot of assumptions on both sides. The side with all of the expectations--the side with all of the power in this situation--is incredulous and has a lot of assumptions about the other person's supposed lack of self-motivation, based on what the person is and is not doing in this situation. The other person is a little more willing to consider the expectant side's view, but as the one with no power in the situation, it isn't as much their responsibility to listen, though it is a good attitude to have. To whom much is given, much is required; the side with all of the power needs to do far more listening and understanding and much, much less talking.

As much as I would like to slap the expectant side about their head with a clue-by-four and scream, "Your 'should-ing' all over this person is REALLY NOT HELPING THEM COPE!" I don't think that would help things...no matter how much they deserve the slapping. Instead, I bide my time and, when appropriate, insert insight in ways that aren't accusatory or condescending. Whether or not it makes a difference, I cannot say; I cannot force someone to swallow truth. But I can tell the truth in diplomatic ways that will not make the situation more explosive than it already has the potential to be.

A door recently opened for me to insert some more truth into that expectant party's worldview. I've been planning my words all weekend and am pleased with my approach. I just hope they pause and really think about what I'm saying, rather than dismissing it.

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I can really relate to this. You said it so creatively. Something awful recently happened to me, the expectant was my sister. She wouldn't/couldn't stop judging my process and "shoulding" me. Even when I told her over and over that I couldn't deal with it, it just doesn't matter to some people. Some cannot see a situation apart from themselves. I had to take my space from her so I could get strong again. It's unfortunate. We're still at that point. I'll never understand it either. I hope things work out for your friends.

I am certain you would make a valuable friend to anyone lucky enough to gain the beneift of your wisdom.

I am so familiar with the: "I've been through that and I was able to keep going. What's wrong with you that you can't? If I can do it, you can, too!" garbage. It's never true.

It is starting to seem that this year's motto for me is "I'm not you."

Exactly.

I saw on someone's FB page: I am not a failed version of you. :)

Oooo, I like it!

I love it too.

I like that a lot! I hope that if it comes up in my life again, I can remember that statement.

I like that motto!

You are so right.

I hear all the time this kind of attitude "Well I (or so and so) escaped poverty/overcame abuse/healed from incest/went into remission from cancer/coped with disability" and x should too!

We come into this world as unique individuals with our own personalities and some of us are tougher to start with, some of us more anxious, introverted, sensitive, etc. Put two neighboring children through exactly the same things and you will get individual results. We all heal in our own time and we may need varying types of support and methods to do so. It takes as long as it takes.

I'm glad you can be an advocate and I can see you're having to do a delicate dance in this situation. Good for you!

yes, this!

"I hear all the time this kind of attitude "Well I (or so and so) escaped poverty/overcame abuse/healed from incest/went into remission from cancer/coped with disability" and x should too!"

The attitude you're describing is meant to be encouragement and to show that people can overcome the tragedy. Please, keep that in mind.
Of course, everyone does handle things differently, and I do not know the entirety of the situation. But I do know that what you're describing is encouragement in letting the victim know other people have overcome the same thing.

Except when it isn't. This person and others I have encountered (not all, of course) say that to mean WTF is wrong with you, and when asked, they will confirm that is exactly what they meant. This is arrogance, not helpfulness.

When dealing with people's feelings, one's intentions are overshadowed by the effect one's words have. I once encouraged someone is that way, and the person felt talked down to. It wasn't until I apologized for unwittingly hurting their feelings and simply listened that we could move past that event.

I'm going to respectfully call you on this one. Let me lay it out for you. A person is in trouble. A second person offers encouragement that is well meant, but destructive. You expect the person who is in trouble to extend understanding. They already have trouble. Doesn't it make more sense for the person giving encouragement to be the one trying to extend understanding? More understanding on their part would be more helpful than expecting the person in trouble to give them a free pass for causing more pain. These are probably fighting words, but to expect the person in trouble to be the one to make the effort to be understanding comes perilously close to blaming the victim.

I do not want to argue with you. You should have read my second comment in this post because then you would have realized we agree on certain matters.

This is NOT blaming the victim. This is trying to find a way for a person who wants to help to find a constructive way of helping.
Because the person does want to help, that person needs to find non-destructive ways to help. However, that person might not realize she is being destructive to begin with. Berating a person for a good intention does nothing positive; explaining why that person's behavior harms is positive.

I did read your post, and no, I don’t think you and I agree. I understand that you feel that improved communication would be a good solution, but the issue is not communication. The issue is boundaries, and whether the problematic party is going to respect boundaries, whether the reasons have been clearly communicated or not.

Before you say it, no, the solution is not that the injured party should enforce their boundaries better. The injured party has two jobs. They need to get through the day, and they need to find solutions. There’s a good chance that they’re putting enough energy into those two jobs that they don’t have the energy to define and enforce boundaries. To ask them to work on the problem person is to dump responsibility for a whole different problem on them. If you don’t understand what I mean by “dump responsibility,” basically, I mean that by expecting them to be the ones to take the initiative and communicate or reinforce, you’re putting them in the position of having to solve the boundary problem. That problem is not their problem, and they probably can’t solve it no matter how clearly and politely they communicate.

Now we hit the hard part. If the injured party isn’t able to define and enforce boundaries, then how is the problem party supposed to know that they’re a problem? Tough one, but it’s a classic case of avoiding tackling the hard problem by pushing a simple “solution” on the wrong party. Personally, I tackle the problem by trying to respect people’s boundaries myself, listening to others when they tell me I’ve trespassed a boundary, and doing my best to communicate to people that they are trespassing boundaries when they violate mine or I see them violating someone else’s.

As for your claim that people will listen if only the problem is communicated calmly and clearly, don’t I just wish that was the truth. Usually, whether they’re concerned for the injured party’s welfare or not, the problem party is so convinced that they’re right that they simply don’t listen.

Now I am going to communicate and set a boundary. I’m one of the people with limited energy and more important places to put it. So I’m done here. I hope we’ve done some communicating.

"Berating a person for a good intention does nothing positive; explaining why that person's behavior harms is positive."

And when you explain rather than scold why a behavior harms rather than helps - explaining automatically makes it that person's responsibility to listen and understand. So, how am I condoning "Blame the Victim"?

This is another situation where one's intentions are likely to be overshadowed by the effect of one's words. You do not intend to blame the victim, but that is the effect your words are likely to have.

Years ago I once heard a person talking about keeping peace and working through conflicts in relationships. He mentioned that when he says or does something that offends his wife, he apologizes and listens, even if his intentions were good. He firmly believed that even if his intention was not to offend, the reality is that his words/behavior offended her, and it is his responsibility to acknowledge that fact.

I have found that when dealing with reasonable people, that tactic (when done sincerely) avoids a lot of anguish. The person who was offended feels validated, and at that point they are more likely to listen to my explanation of my intentions. Unless and until they feel validated, any explanation I give will fall on deaf ears.

How did your comment after the first sentence contradict what I said? In the first sentence, you stated that you would contradict me, but I found nothing contradictory.

I'm lost. Where did I say I was going to contradict you?

What you replied to was how explaining negative behavior is not "blame the victim" You then said, "You do not intend to blame the victim, but that is the effect your words are likely to have," which indicates a contradiction. However, I found nothing to contradict me.

You had asked how that is blaming the victim. In short, in the victim's eyes, you ARE blaming them with those words. I was also pointing out that how the victim sees things negates your intentions.

Let me rephrase. I am very much confused as to why we are arguing about this when we both encourage dialogue and understanding.

And I still do not know how this is blaming the victim when we both encourage dialogue and understanding. You essentially rephrased what I had said earlier.

I'm not sure how to rephrase things in a way that helps you see that to the victim, you are blaming them.

rockbirthedme's explanation on that was clear to me, as well. So we'll have to agree to disagree on that one.

All I see is that we are really in favor of the same thing. What is there to disagree about when we are advocating the same thing?

Doesn't it make more sense for the person giving encouragement to be the one trying to extend understanding?

This makes sense. As the less vulnerable party, they ought to be the one to extend more patience and gentleness. That doesn't mean the more vulnerable party has a free pass to act out in any way they feel, but their lack of understanding is more easily forgiveable, given their situation.

I think both sides need to discuss their assumptions and come to terms with them.

"the side with all of the power needs to do far more listening and understanding and much, much less talking."

I don't know if "truth" is really needed. It seems to me the person you're talking about wants to help another individual and needs another method to help that individual, such just being there to listen and maybe some patience.
If the person is genuinely concerned about the friend, she will be willing to listen to another with similar concerns.

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When Real Life Knocks Heads with Others' Expectations

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