Retaining Ownership of My Life

[wlotus]

Yesterday I spoke with someone I like and respect. She asked me about my job, and I told her. She was not impressed, and she didn't hide that fact. "Are you going to eventually go back into the technical side of things?" she asked, concerned I was giving up on my IT studies and turning my back on my technical background. "When you first started, I got the impression you had more of a sense of urgency about finishing them." I pointed out that at that time I was trying to get out of an abusive work environment as quickly as possible, and now that I am free of that place, finishing my studies is not as urgent. "But just because something is no longer urgent does not mean it is no longer important," I explained. After verifying I intend to finish my studies, she felt more satisfied.

I walked away from that conversation with this statement banging in my brain:

If I decide to do my current job or jobs like it for the rest of my life, that is okay, because it would be my decision.

I and I alone am qualified to decide what kind of work is the best use of my time and talents. I am done pursuing jobs or titles or degrees or accomplishments based on what others may think about me. This season of my life is about owning my life, figuring out what works for me and my partner at any given time, and pursuing only those things. For many years I have cared too much about what others may think of me and wanting people to be impressed with me. I still care, of course, but I do not intend to shape my life based on that caring.

So far, I enjoy my job. It is full time, and it comes with benefits. It is just right for me at this time of my life. After two years of unemployment and per diem work, that is what matters most to me. Finishing my IT studies is important to me--I don't like starting something and not finishing it, particularly when a $15,000 student loan is part of the equation--but this is higher on my list of priorities. Period. No further explanation needed.

As for my job, I shall now happily, gratefully get back to it.

Comments

[balmofgilead.livejournal.com]

I read someplace recently that in each country there is one question you can ask people that will tend to get them to open up (because it's polarizing or it's how people define themselves or what have you). In America, that question is "what do you do?" It was kind of enlightening to me that this is specifically an American thing.

I find myself being judgey about jobs - judging others and judging myself. It's a pervasive attitude.

[wlotus.livejournal.com]

Once in a blue moon I will judge others, but I have a few Ph.D. degrees in judging myself. :-) It took me over a year to get past not being able to say I worked as a firmware engineer; I hadn't realized just how much of my identity I had wrapped up in that title until I lost the job. Now I can honestly say I am to the point where I care very little. I can't say I don't care, but I am able to balance out caring what others (i.e. my former engineering coworkers, particularly the ones who were actively involved in pushing me out of the job) would think with how much happier I am with my life, now).