wlotus | How Nice to be So Idealistic

I am reading No Future Without Forgiveness, by Desmond Tutu. In Chapter 2 he talks about a philosophy known as ubuntu in the Nguni languages. He explains, "It is to say, 'My humanity is caught up, is inextricably bound up, in yours....' What dehumanizes you inexorably dehumanizes me." He introduces this concept as he closes his discussion of the process of reconciliation in South Africa following apartheid's dismantling, and he contrasts it to the idea of seeking revenge.

While that sounds wonderful in theory, my experience in all areas of my life has shown that to not be realistic. Most of my life has been about people telling me I am different from, separate from, and less than them. They treated me accordingly. People have justified their abusive or elitist behaviors by naming and punishing me for my perceived sins. They have made themselves happy at my expense and put my best efforts down as inadequate in order to hide their own inadequacies. Yet they are not dehumanized in any way; their lives continue without shame or downfall. They suffer no consequences for their dehumanization of me, so they have no reason to believe it is for the greater good that they treat me with the respect which I tried so hard to give them.

Experience, not pie-in-the-sky philosophy, has taught me the only way for me to have any hope of even standing is to get revenge or see them pay for their sins. When they do not pay I am dehumanized, while not only do they not suffer, not only do they go free, but their lives are elevated on my back and head. There is no ubuntu in my experience; there are only victors and victims, and I am tired of being the second.

Of course, plenty of people seem to have had exactly the opposite experience as me, or they have remained sure there is some good in suffering indignities without seeking revenge. Indeed, some of them seem to have no desire for revenge at all, no matter how nasty others have been to them and no matter how free the perpetrators go without any form of repentence. How?

It bears noting that not everyone agreed with the South African government's decision to institute a system of truth and amnesty, instead of holding Nuremberg-style trials. There are people who insisted (and who probably still insist) the perpetrators should have been forced to stand trial and then publicly punished for their crimes against humanity. So my feelings are certainly not unique. It's just that the people who had the luxury of being in power during that time of South Africa's history had a different viewpoint. Had a different set of people had that luxury, a different set of events would have happened...some say not as good, but I say just different, for we will never know, now.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

There is an idea in Christian thinking that if you forgive those who have wronged you, you lighten your own life. By doing so you do NOT in some way declare that what was done to you wasn't wrong (what's wrong is wrong and stays wrong), but that you're not going to let the fact that you've been wronged destroy or cast a shadow on the rest of your life.

That said, I can easily think of certain ways I've been wronged, and I can make myself seeth with anger when thinking about how the perpetrators seem to continue to walk on this Earth without apparently receiving some kind of divine payback. I can tell myself they didn't know what they did, but... Even so, it doesn't make what they did right or easier to bear.

If you can't forgive something on your own, I believe it's okay to ask God to help you do that. And don't forget that even after forgiving, it's not wrong to hunger and thirst for justice, and I think it's okay to pray for some kind of justice to take place on this Earth. (If not all these Busho-cratic criminals *will* get off scot free, and *that* is a thought I dislike to consider at all.)

A lot of the past year of my life has been spent letting go of the anger, which serves me no purpose. With that (nearly) gone, the desire for revenge has dwindled.

Does it make me feel dehumanized for him not to pay? No. It makes me feel taller.

As much as I would like to feel taller when I think of those who have wronged me not paying, I do not; I only feel like a loser. I can't make the feeling change for the better, either. The only thing that makes me feel taller is the thought of them paying, and dearly.

Well, one thing they've lost, fo' sho' is the chance to have a wonderful person like you in their lives.

I do honestly believe that living well is the best revenge. However, I'm not going to be a hypocrite here, I've seen karmic justice catch up with a few people who've done me wrong, and I can't say I've shed any tears for them.

So, I hear you. And I will wish you peace, and Certain People a lil' Instant Karma in 2008.

Oh, I like the Instant Karma idea. :-)

I don't take any comfort in the idea that so-and-so misses out on having me in their lives, because those who treat me wrongfully don't think I'm wonderful, so they are glad to not have me in their lives. My absence turns out to be a blessing for them, and they could not care less whether or not I live well, for they "won" and are free to go their merry way.

Yesterday I told a friend that for some reason I have been having a very hard time accepting the fact that life is not equal or fair. It's really done a number on my soul this year, and I am not sure why.

I understand your feelings about this. You're right; those that wronged you are not likely to be sad about it.

I think the only thing you can do is to keep the incidents in mind (but not constantly). Let them be a learning experience for the next time. Be watchful and if someone tries to be bad to you, either set limits or pull back. I know I will.

How Nice to be So Idealistic

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Paying dearly,,,

Re: Paying dearly,,,

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