Oh, I Just HAVE to Share This One

[wlotus]

It's been quite a long time since I've had a good, old-fashioned rant against stupidness here. Now that I am done wiping the tears from my laughter, I can see to type this entry. Here is the question.

Luv Coach Q&A: Is It Time to Say Goodbye?

I am married and my husband cheated on me with another woman. He then had the nerve to bring her in my home. He wanted us to live together. What should I do?

You can click on the title to go to the original article and read her answer. My answer is simple: in the time it took for that poor wife to send in that question, she could have had her husband's shit out on the curb. What say you all?

Comments

[balmofgilead.livejournal.com]

I don't think it's as much about monogamy as the answer implies - even if the woman WERE open to polyamory, a polyamorous relationship that started with cheating would be doomed to failure.

[wlotus.livejournal.com]

Exactly so. That is an important distinction many monogamous people miss.

[gwendally.livejournal.com]

I totally agreed with the answer. I've seen too many relationships that don't fit the mold to assume monogamy is the one and only true answer. Fitting two humans into one life is messy when you get down to the details. I think a significant source of misery comes from women who demand monogamy or their husband's stuff gets put immediately on the curb.

Dear Abby used to address this pragmatically as well, "are you better off with him or without him?" Knowing your husband is screwing someone else isn't a fun thing, but being impoverished and raising your children alone and not having his friendship and - yes - a sex life with him - is a lot to be miserable about, too.

I very nearly cheated on my husband a dozen years ago. It was a rocky time in our marriage for a lot of reasons and we got through it with more lifeskills in our toolbox that we continue to use when other challenges come up (like the octogenarian parent problems.) If he had thrown a fit and tossed me out we'd all be way worse off today.

I think too many people demand to be treated like a princess in a relationship. You just don't get to be #1 all the time. Being in love MEANS you will be hurt by the one who loves you from time to time, one way or another. (People can't ALWAYS put your needs first, sometimes they will take a job or a lover or contract an illness that causes you pain.)

I'm sorry for her pain, and I totally agree that she might not be willing to live under those terms, but I don't think it's an automatic veto. Polygamy is done in much of the world.

[saltdawg.livejournal.com]

No matter what you may be into and down with, it all boils down to having some respect for your partner. And yourself.

Yeah, That woman should have kicked him to the curb on the spot.

[tracied.livejournal.com]

um yeah? Totally agree. Shit to the burb.

[chinook-wind.livejournal.com]

HA!! Yes, so say we all. I have to feel a little bad for the person, if she in fact exists, because what kind of beaten-down doormat would you have to be to even ask this? Poor baby.

[astragali.livejournal.com]

Exactly. Why would you undertake a relationship style (if that's the right word) that requires a great deal of communication and give and take with someone who clearly only cares about himself?

[dagfari.livejournal.com]

there's a big difference between a healthy polyamorous relationship and cheating.

[shit on curb, lock changed on door.]

[rockbirthedme.livejournal.com]

Correct. There's nothing wrong with polyamory, but there is definitely something wrong with one partner going ahead and getting started on it without the consent of the other partner. The same problem would apply in an already polyamorous relationship in which any partner broke whatever rules or boundaries the relationship had.

Personally, I'd have told her to trot down to the nearest Army/Navy Store, buy a big ol' pair of paratrooper boots, and kick his cheating ass to the curb. Cheating isn't necessarily a death knell to a relationship, but I don't have the impression that this guy is going to give up his ways and become a trustworthy person.

[wlotus.livejournal.com]

Expecting to be treated like a princess 24/7 is one thing (and unrealistic). It's entirely another to have your partner who agreed to monogamy suddenly, without you agreeing to it, flip the script and bring in other partners. That is not a poly relationship, that is cheating. Big difference.

[wlotus.livejournal.com]

LOL! Exactly! What does she mean, "What should I do?" I had to laugh at that for a good 15 minutes, that she even had to ask! LOL!

[wlotus.livejournal.com]

You hit the nail right on the head. I feel bad for her, too. Someone did a job on her self-esteem for that to even be a question.

[catling.livejournal.com]

Is it time to leave this asshole? Yes. Should you rub hot sauce on all of his underwear while you are packing up his things for him? Hell yes.

When women ask questions like this I want to shake them.

[wlotus.livejournal.com]

LOL! You are evil in such a good way!

[catling.livejournal.com]

*bows* When they act like dogs, you have to lesson them like you would a dog. What part of him got him in trouble? There ya go. ;)

[(Anonymous)]

Forgive me for answering this anonymously, but obviously I am not the only concerned party, and other people could be hurt.

I'm no princess. I damned straight understand that marriage is a process of give and take, and that sometimes one partner's needs take precedence over the others. I've always understood it; it's basic to me. It's been a theme in my marriage from the beginning; it's what I learned from watching my parents.

That said, my partner once cheated on me. We sorted it out. I forgave him, we worked out the problems that made him feel justified in looking elsewhere, and we have been happily married for many years since. We're celebrating a big number anniversary soon; I may have a second ring to go with my first. So I don't think cheating is an automatic end to a marriage.

There is a difference, however, between cheating and then doing your best to act with respect for your partner, and cheating and then expecting your partner to suck it up. Some marriages respond to cheating by a return to respect, some do not. By "a return to respect," I do not necessarily mean a return to happy monogamy, either.

I think this man's actions do not indicate a return to respect. I think his actions indicate an expectation that his wife should simply accomodate him, with no reciprocal respect on his side. That's bad news, very bad news. She can take him back, poly or not, but it's not going to go well, poly or not, if he's not willing to acknowledge that he's hurt her and lost her trust.

I think she should kick him to the curb, and I'm well aware of the possible repercussions. I was young, with a small child and no job, when my husband had his affair. But I would have ended the marriage if I had felt he would no longer treat me with respect. There are limits.