Two Things
Apr. 22nd, 2010 10:58 pm1. Visit Aunt Mo's grave. It has been two years, and I need to spend some time there in quiet contemplation.
2. Visit the church of my youth.
( This is more a MUST do. )
To the woman [God] said, “...Your desire shall be for your husband, And he shall rule over you.”
~Genesis 3:16b, NKJV
Please don't ask me when was the last time I attended church, because I couldn't tell you. But when T told me she has wanted to get back into going to church and expressed a strong interest in all The Riverside Church had to offer, I was inspired to get my cold-addled behind (and other assorted body parts) up in time to attend Homecoming Sunday services. I usually attend alone, so it was very nice to attend with a friend. She was so impressed, she says she'll be back next week, which means I will be, too, all things remaining equal.
I had another reason for attending church: the Senior Minister Search Committed had presented Rev. Dr. Brad R. Braxton as the candidate to be our new senior minister. Today he gave his candidate sermon, and at the business meeting afterwards we debated and then put his candidacy to a vote. He was approved by an overwhelming margin of us. I had never been part of something like that, and it was interesting to participate in the process.
I have a new senior minister, and I have a friend who is willing to attend church with me. Let's see where this phase of my spiritual journey takes me.
For some months I've reluctantly considered myself agnostic. I cannot say for sure I know God exists, but I *can* say for sure that most of what I was told about who God is, what God does, and what God will do for me did not work out that way. I wanted to be a Christian, because that spiritual tradition is what speaks most deeply to me. But with my doubts, I didn't feel right calling myself one, so I settled for "agnostic"...though if pressed, I would say, "agnostic, with Christian leanings."
(I can already see that if I am to get these musings out, I will have to accept them being less than polished. At least they'll be honest.)
Yesterday I went to church. I paid special attention, because in addition to it being pentecost Sunday, it was new members and confirmation Sunday. I have been wondering if I can still say I am a Christian and, therefore, a member of Riverside Church, with all of my doubts about God's existence, etc. I listened carefully to what they asked the new members (paraphrased):
1. Do you profess Jesus as Lord?
2. Do you promise to be a disciple of Christ?
3. Do you promise to participate in the life of this Christian community?
I can honestly answer, "Yes," to all of those questions. That is a relief, because I didn't want to float around without any spiritual community, and I like what Riverside Church stands for. I may have questions about God and even about Jesus' divinity, but I believe in the things he taught and am a disciple of his. (I believe *Jesus believed* he was the Son of God, and that's as far as I can go with that, right now.) So I left feeling more confident that I can declare myself a Christian, a disciple of Christ, and remain a member of Riverside, rather than continuing to call myself agnostic.
(Granted, my discipleship looks very different now than it did years ago. Back then it was about making my life look the way other people said a Christian's life is supposed to look, and forcing myself to think the way other people said a Christian is supposed to think. These days my discipleship is about honesty, through and through, not forcing myself to fit in a box. I do what makes sense to me, and I am honest about the fact that I am doing it because it is what makes the most sense to me, even if it looks opposite what I had been told a Christian does. I figure if there is a sentient God keeping score, God is more likely to appreciate my honesty than my attempts to make myself into someone I am not. And if/when I change, it happens because changing makes the most sense.)