Oh, So That Is What A Trigger Is

[wlotus]

Last night I watched "The Ten Commandments", an old favorite I used to love to watch every year with my mother when I was growing up. It is the first time I watched the movie since I renounced fundamentalist Christianity. To my surprise, the movie (specifically the narration which was directly from the Old Testament) triggered all of my old fears and shame and sense of not being good enough, a side effect of spending so much of my life worshipping and trying to please a punitive, all-male God. Also to my surprise, I had one of my (now rare) recurring dreams of being unable to accomplish a necessary goal. Every time I took one step towards the goal, I remembered five more steps I had forgotten, and time was quickly running out. I woke up after nine hours of sleep feeling mentally exhausted.

This is the first time I made the connection between my religious background and those draining, frustrating dreams.

Comments

[verucas-chaos.livejournal.com]

My parents watch it every year. It's never been for me for exactly whay you present here...punitive, all male god. Dreams are so powerful, aren't they?

[wlotus.livejournal.com]

I'm surprised I did not make the connection, before!

When I was a fundie Christian, I loved the movie. Here was a movie based on what I assumed was facts, and it was all about the bad guys getting what was coming to them rightnowthisinstant, and right in front of the good guys, no less! Now I look at the movie and think, "If there is an all-knowing, all-powerful god who is capable of such miracles, where was all of that knowing and power when I need someone to have my back?!?"