On Being Magical and Being Still

[wlotus]

This morning I found myself thinking back to when I took a discipleship class at a church I used to attend. I remembered how hungry I was to learn the material. What made me so hungry? And why did I become disillusioned enough to walk away and not look back?

I never wanted to be ordinary. I wanted to be magical.

I was tired of feeling like a victim of life and circumstances and men who did not think I was worthy of their love. I wanted to be untouchable, to be able to make things happen just by virtue of my belief in and relationship with the god of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. The stories Christians told me throughout my youth and young adulthood had me convinced I should be able to do those things, and I became very disillusioned when that did not happen. I felt more and more like I was wasting my life and vitality on beliefs that were not producing. So, when I left Syracuse in 2003 I also left evangelical/pentecostal Christianity.

Nowadays I think I am magical, as in "a special person who brings a unique flavor to the world." But I don't think I can wave a hand or say a prayer and thus invoke a miracle, change the course of nature, or affect someone else's circumstances for better or worse. I am learning to celebrate ordinariness, rather than looking for miracles. However, I am amused that in celebrating ordinariness, I have crossed paths with people who are convinced that I am something of a miracle.

More amazing than that is the fact that I believe them.

On a loosely related note, I have lately been nurturing my innate sense of reverence. Reverence for what, I do not know. I only know what I feel. I get still and simply look inward. It is a calming feeling, not judgmental or scary in any way. I don't feel pressured to scream or shout or respond in any of the emotional ways I grew up seeing in the pentecostal church. I just feel like being still. I like it.

Comments

[rockbirthedme.livejournal.com]

I don't have much to say except, "Yes. I hear this, and it resonates."

[deborahloi.livejournal.com]

Great insight. Being magic instead of being a magician. That's kinda cool.

[kickadee.livejournal.com]

I like this.

I grew up in a full gospel church, which had a lot of "look how full of the spirit I am" type expressiveness, and somehow, I ended up being really uncomfortable with expressing myself in any way similar later on. Now with going to expressive dance type stuff, I have to kind of remind myself I'm making it my own and it's ok.

[wlotus.livejournal.com]

I know about "look how full of the spirit I am" type of expressiveness. There have been times I have genuinely been in the spirit and moved to express it that way, but more often than not, my reverence comes on me quietly. It took a long time for me to be comfortable with my own sense of reverence; I grew up believing that was a sign that I was somehow fighting against the spirit.

[ladyofthelog.livejournal.com]

I like this.

Funnily, I always expected to be ordinary. I used to say, "If the Harry Potter universe were real, I'd be a Muggle." My spiritual path has led me to a place where I feel comfortable situated between being, on the one hand, completely ordinary, and on the other, a wonderful and blessed and awesome bit of creation. That works for me. :)

[wlotus.livejournal.com]

As I learn to appreciate ordinariness, I wonder why I was not content with being ordinary as a child. Was it unreasonably high expectations from others? Was it an innate knowledge that I was destined for greatness, like I may have read other high achievers feeling about themselves at an early age? Was it an inability to distinguish between reality and fantasy? (I have always had an active imagination.) Or perhaps it was the inevitable wish of a kid who was deeply unhappy? It may have been a combination of all of those things. I'm not sure. I AM sure, though, that I am far more content and secure in myself when I am embracing ordinariness...not to mention LESS ANXIOUS, OMG!

I suppose I could dig down and figure out some of the specific reasons why I wanted to be magical, not ordinary. But at this stage of my life I am growing weary of that exercise. I've pointed to those places in my history so much that I am bored with looking at them.

[queenlyzard.livejournal.com]

This is so powerful. I think you've really put your finger on one of the biggest reasons why so many people are religious. Even though I've never belonged to a mainstream religion, your experiences remind me so much of why I had such a deep believe in the sort of New Age supernatural stuff (psychic abilities, spirit guides, etc) as a child, and why it was so difficult for me to give up that magical thinking. I still catch myself almost believing that I'm not entirely human at times...

[wlotus.livejournal.com]

There have been times when I have not completely believed I am human, too...hoped, rather, because I had to believe there was more to me than the negativity I had internalized.

New Age stuff appeals to me, too, but I came to it after being disillusioned by Christianity, so I know better than to believe the magical thinking.

[queenlyzard.livejournal.com]

*laughs* See, I grew up in a devoutly New-Age family. That has different "risks" than growing up in a more judgmental religion, I think-- I didn't end up narrow minded, but I did come perilously close to being so open-minded that my brain fell out, as the saying goes. As a reaction, I've become something of a hard-core skeptic, although I admit to missing to emotional comfort of spiritual beliefs. I think I need to look into buddhist meditation or something.

Christianity, on the other hand, has pretty much always struck me as pretty nutty! It's amazing just how weird those beliefs sound to someone who didn't grow up with much exposure to them!

[wlotus.livejournal.com]

*giggles* I have never heard that phrase "so open-minded, your brain falls out". That's a good one!

Christianity seems VERY nutty, when you look at it from the outside. A few years ago I was thumbing through a book on Buddhism, and I was shaking my head at how ridiculous some of the myths surrounding Buddha's birth were. I suddenly realized those stories are no more ridiculous and no less impossible to prove than the stories surrounding Jesus' birth! That thought stopped me in my tracks and convinced me to approach Buddhism with respect, rather than ridicule.

[wlotus.livejournal.com]

I miss the emotional comfort of spiritual beliefs, too.