Relieved of My Unbelief
Apr. 25th, 2009 09:02 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
wlotusAs the bus passed a local Assemblies of God church, I had a sudden flash of insight regarding my faith journey:
What gave me comfort before still gives me comfort. What I hoped would give me comfort if I kept repeating it is what I finally felt free to drop when I left evangelical Christianity.
For example, I never felt thoroughly convinced of the claims that Jesus' death was redemptive and believing in him as God is the only way to eternal salvation. I would say I believed it and I would dutifully teach it to others, but I never felt it down to my core. I wasn't being a hypocrite; I thought I was supposed to believe it, and I hoped that I would eventually believe it, too, if I kept repeating it. But belief never came. Dropping the attempts to make myself believe it has been a relief.
It is also a relief to realize I did not walk away from what I know is true. I simply walked away from what I never believed in the first place. (30+ years of trying to believe something before walking away is more than giving it a fair chance.) Knowing that, I am convinced that I have the right to still take comfort and be inspired by what has always comforted and inspired me.
Deep down in my core, I believe Jesus was an awesome role model, a man of principle, and someone whose life I ought to use as a guide for how I should live mine. I am awestruck by the fact that he was willing to die for what he believed. I am inspired by the way he treated sincere people with sincere respect, whether they were women or "untouchables". I take great pleasure in the way he did not kowtow to hypocritical religious leaders or follow rules that made no sense to him. I have always felt that way about Jesus, and that has not changed just because I am no longer an evangelical/pentecostal Christian.
The musical structure of both gospel music and formal hymns comforts and moves me, even if some of the lyrics do not resonate with me. That has not changed.
John 1:1 stirs something at the bottom of my soul every time I read it. That has not changed, either.
Sitting/kneeling in quiet contemplation soothes my soul, especially when I do it in places revered as "holy" by people of that faith. Because of the baggage of my past, I cannot do it as readily in pentecostal, evangelical, or non-denominational Christian church buildings; I feel suffocated by the weight of expectations I can never meet and saddened by the loss of so many years trying. But cathedrals, chapels, temples, and shrines are fine. I no longer feel ashamed of that fact.
The bus continued its journey, and I breathed a sigh of relief from being suddenly free of a burden I had not even known I was carrying.
What gave me comfort before still gives me comfort. What I hoped would give me comfort if I kept repeating it is what I finally felt free to drop when I left evangelical Christianity.
For example, I never felt thoroughly convinced of the claims that Jesus' death was redemptive and believing in him as God is the only way to eternal salvation. I would say I believed it and I would dutifully teach it to others, but I never felt it down to my core. I wasn't being a hypocrite; I thought I was supposed to believe it, and I hoped that I would eventually believe it, too, if I kept repeating it. But belief never came. Dropping the attempts to make myself believe it has been a relief.
It is also a relief to realize I did not walk away from what I know is true. I simply walked away from what I never believed in the first place. (30+ years of trying to believe something before walking away is more than giving it a fair chance.) Knowing that, I am convinced that I have the right to still take comfort and be inspired by what has always comforted and inspired me.
Deep down in my core, I believe Jesus was an awesome role model, a man of principle, and someone whose life I ought to use as a guide for how I should live mine. I am awestruck by the fact that he was willing to die for what he believed. I am inspired by the way he treated sincere people with sincere respect, whether they were women or "untouchables". I take great pleasure in the way he did not kowtow to hypocritical religious leaders or follow rules that made no sense to him. I have always felt that way about Jesus, and that has not changed just because I am no longer an evangelical/pentecostal Christian.
The musical structure of both gospel music and formal hymns comforts and moves me, even if some of the lyrics do not resonate with me. That has not changed.
John 1:1 stirs something at the bottom of my soul every time I read it. That has not changed, either.
Sitting/kneeling in quiet contemplation soothes my soul, especially when I do it in places revered as "holy" by people of that faith. Because of the baggage of my past, I cannot do it as readily in pentecostal, evangelical, or non-denominational Christian church buildings; I feel suffocated by the weight of expectations I can never meet and saddened by the loss of so many years trying. But cathedrals, chapels, temples, and shrines are fine. I no longer feel ashamed of that fact.
The bus continued its journey, and I breathed a sigh of relief from being suddenly free of a burden I had not even known I was carrying.
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no subject
Date: 2009-04-25 02:24 pm (UTC)I remember so clearly being very devout, and being respected for my faith by my community, but knowing inside that there were some things I didn't actually believe, and that I should believe them if I was going to be a truly good Christian. What I always authentically revered and respected is still there; what I never believed I let go of.
no subject
Date: 2009-04-25 04:49 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-04-26 03:44 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-04-26 05:33 pm (UTC)Amazing.
no subject
Date: 2009-04-27 10:39 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-04-27 02:23 pm (UTC)Most of my journey has been internalized, though. Mostly because I do struggle a bit with trusting people to accept my beliefs without coming back at me that I am wrong wrong wrong. Although I didn't grow up in a strict Christian household, my mother later became a Fundamentalist, and most of her side of the family is the same and they never fail to remind me of my sins. I did go through a few years of Bible Banging in my late teens and early 20's, and look back at that time with the realization that it was never something I believed truly with my heart. I often remember feeling ashamed because I wasn't as "moved by the spirit" as much as those I fellowshipped with were. I always felt there was something wrong with me...I needed to be fixed because I didn't love Jesus the same way everyone else did. *shrug*
These days, I definitely feel influenced by Christianity, and for lack of calling that Higher Power anything else, I so refer to him as God. Even in the male sense. It's just familiar and easy..and it feels comfortable to do so. However, do I believe that God is the God I am told will forgive me if I turn my life over to him? No. Do I have a concrete knowledge in what I do believe?? No. And chances are I never will. But I'm okay with that. I do believe in something greater than myself, though, and I do believe that that something is a culmination of all our thoughts and energies and souls, intermingling somewhere. And I believe that there is a greatness to the human spirit that can conquer illnesses and wars and famines. I guess I just believe in the power of WE..US..United. Whatever that might be.
And...now I step off my soap box! ;o) Hope you're having a good morning!
no subject
Date: 2009-04-28 09:32 pm (UTC)I have always loved Jesus very much. I've just never felt or believed a lot of what they believed. There is a difference, and I understand that more and more the longer I am out of the movement.