Face to Face with Doubt, Again

[wlotus]

Some months ago, iswari was kind enough to re-lend Pilgrimage to the Mother to me. Yesterday I finally began to re-read it. By coincidence, it was on the same day that I attended church for the first time in months and also offered my name to three different ministries, so I can finally get involved in my church on a somewhat regular basis. When I first read the book, I think I was more firmly steeped in Christian tradition than I am, now; I'm not so sure, as it has been a few years since I read it. (She and blostopher had not yet had their son!) At this point I am reading as someone who hangs onto Christianity out of a sense of familiarity and a desire to believe more solidly than I do, even while I am painfully aware of the emptiness of what I used to try to make myself believe and the fact that I never really believed any of it past a surface acceptance of it, as much as I wanted to.

That makes reading this book quite the exercise in detachment. I have always had a tendency to read spiritual books with a sense of wanting to see myself in the person I am reading about, of wanting to find a sign for my own path in their path. But this time I instinctively remind myself, "That is her path, Wanda, not yours." What I am getting out of her story so far is the importance of validating and following my own path, spiritual or otherwise, rather than trying to fit myself into someone else's.

All of my doubts aside, there is still a strong yearning for spiritual connection in me. I want the spiritual realm to be real to me, finally. And like Alakananda Devi, I desire to find my own guru. But I don't want to give up my life in the United States to go on pilgrimage alone in India or anywhere else, in search of a teacher I may not find in yet another religious construct that may turn out to be a severe disappointment in the harsh light of reality.

Right now I have too many doubts to believe strongly in any brand of spirituality. I believe in community, which is why I am attempting to become active in my church, in spite of my doubts. I believe in helping others. I believe in striving to be my best self: that is, free from the anxiety, perfectionism, judgementalism, and bitterness which fundamentalist Christianity had a hand in planting in me. But I am hard pressed to believe in supernatural things like visions and the like, because I have never experienced those things. I have heard of others claiming to have experienced them; Alakananda Devi does in her book. I have wanted to have those experiences. I have claimed certain events in my life were those experiences. But if they were, the passage of time and the unrelenting impact of reality has eroded my surety, until I now doubt it was what I thought it was.

I was raised to believe there are answers, and those who seek them shall find them. All of this uncertainty troubles me.

Comments

[verucas-chaos.livejournal.com]

I believe uncertainty is a sign of true growth and enlightenment. You are one of the most thoughtful persons I know (thoughtful here means that you think through things). I think, as a result of your thoughtful approach to life, you are also one of the most spiritual...regardless of whether or not there are answers.

[wlotus.livejournal.com]

Thank you. :-)

[arkadelos.livejournal.com]

If you want, you can look up Abraham Maslow and his hierarchy of needs. Maslow was the first psychologist to study "what makes people healthy?" rather than "what makes people mentally ill?" His research subjects were people he considered the elite of mental health. I've only heard about him in my classes, and I find him very inspiring. I have plenty of his books on my Alibris wishlist.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hierarchy_of_needs

[wlotus.livejournal.com]

I remember learning about Maslow when I took an undergraduate psychology course. Over the years I have discovered that my most basic psychological need (once my physical needs are met) is financial stability.

[queenlyzard.livejournal.com]

Uncertaintly is, in my opinion, a sign of intelligence. ...That doesn't mean it's comfortable, though.

[wlotus.livejournal.com]

Amen to that.

Are you on Goodreads?

[queenlyzard.livejournal.com]

yes-- same screenname. I rarely get around to updating it, though. LJ serves as my primary book journal.