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wlotusOne thing that regularly freaks me out about living in the real world is the way my response to real life sometimes collides with others' expectations of How I Should Handle ThingsTM. When my life goes, "BOOM, FALL DOWN!" in ways that intersects with others' paths, it can be interesting and frustrating to find their expectations dropping on my head along with the shrapnel from my personal war zone.
It's surprising to see who doesn't understand where I'm coming from. You would think it would be the person who has never been in a similar situation, but sometimes it's the person who has been there who can be the harshest critic. "I've been through that and I was able to keep going. What's wrong with you that you can't? If I can do it, you can, too!"
Well, no, not necessarily. In spite of our circumstances being similar, I am not you. I may cope differently, need more time to recover after the wind gets knocked out of me, or perhaps even recover more quickly and thoroughly than you would. Furthermore, that is okay. None of that gives you the right to make judgments about my maturity or self-motivation; chances are your judgments are going to be dead wrong, anyway.
I'm watching that happen to someone else, and it drives me crazy on their behalf. I'm hearing both sides, and there are a lot of assumptions on both sides. The side with all of the expectations--the side with all of the power in this situation--is incredulous and has a lot of assumptions about the other person's supposed lack of self-motivation, based on what the person is and is not doing in this situation. The other person is a little more willing to consider the expectant side's view, but as the one with no power in the situation, it isn't as much their responsibility to listen, though it is a good attitude to have. To whom much is given, much is required; the side with all of the power needs to do far more listening and understanding and much, much less talking.
As much as I would like to slap the expectant side about their head with a clue-by-four and scream, "Your 'should-ing' all over this person is REALLY NOT HELPING THEM COPE!" I don't think that would help things...no matter how much they deserve the slapping. Instead, I bide my time and, when appropriate, insert insight in ways that aren't accusatory or condescending. Whether or not it makes a difference, I cannot say; I cannot force someone to swallow truth. But I can tell the truth in diplomatic ways that will not make the situation more explosive than it already has the potential to be.
A door recently opened for me to insert some more truth into that expectant party's worldview. I've been planning my words all weekend and am pleased with my approach. I just hope they pause and really think about what I'm saying, rather than dismissing it.
It's surprising to see who doesn't understand where I'm coming from. You would think it would be the person who has never been in a similar situation, but sometimes it's the person who has been there who can be the harshest critic. "I've been through that and I was able to keep going. What's wrong with you that you can't? If I can do it, you can, too!"
Well, no, not necessarily. In spite of our circumstances being similar, I am not you. I may cope differently, need more time to recover after the wind gets knocked out of me, or perhaps even recover more quickly and thoroughly than you would. Furthermore, that is okay. None of that gives you the right to make judgments about my maturity or self-motivation; chances are your judgments are going to be dead wrong, anyway.
I'm watching that happen to someone else, and it drives me crazy on their behalf. I'm hearing both sides, and there are a lot of assumptions on both sides. The side with all of the expectations--the side with all of the power in this situation--is incredulous and has a lot of assumptions about the other person's supposed lack of self-motivation, based on what the person is and is not doing in this situation. The other person is a little more willing to consider the expectant side's view, but as the one with no power in the situation, it isn't as much their responsibility to listen, though it is a good attitude to have. To whom much is given, much is required; the side with all of the power needs to do far more listening and understanding and much, much less talking.
As much as I would like to slap the expectant side about their head with a clue-by-four and scream, "Your 'should-ing' all over this person is REALLY NOT HELPING THEM COPE!" I don't think that would help things...no matter how much they deserve the slapping. Instead, I bide my time and, when appropriate, insert insight in ways that aren't accusatory or condescending. Whether or not it makes a difference, I cannot say; I cannot force someone to swallow truth. But I can tell the truth in diplomatic ways that will not make the situation more explosive than it already has the potential to be.
A door recently opened for me to insert some more truth into that expectant party's worldview. I've been planning my words all weekend and am pleased with my approach. I just hope they pause and really think about what I'm saying, rather than dismissing it.
