I have a friend who's battled narcotics and alcohol addiction for as long as I've known him. There's a reason that one of the first actions in a 12-step program is accounting for how one's actions, even actions that were driven by addiction, have affected other people.
We can't change, whether "change" means conquering drugs and drink in his case or working on my manifold faults spiritually and mentally in my case, unless we acknowledge the ways we've affected others.
If we've made missteps, then others have felt the fall-out because we are defined by our relationships to other people. Those relationships make us real.
I think in modern US society, with its narrow focus on individuality, individual liberties, individual freedom, on and on, we forget the fact that in one definition of "personality" or "reality," we do not exist unless other human beings know us and acknowledge us. How many sad cases are there in NYC every year of elderly people or ill people passing away unnoticed in summer heat or winter cold because no one knew them? The point's driven home that we, literally, cease to exist when we are unknown by other people.
And as soon as other people know us, we start to affect them.
That, to me, is the REAL meaning of the phrase "Ye shall know them by their fruits." What effects am I having on people in my sphere now? What fruits will pass from me to them through their knowing me?
I can't BE unless I think about that.
Hefty responsibility? Yes. But. Learning how we affect others and how we can be better at affecting others for the good and the true is a main reason to be alive!
That's my thought on being someone who has had effects on other people that I wish I could change, but must learn to accept. On the side you mention, of being someone affected by other people's..."choices," let's say, my opinion is that no one's got the right to tell you to "get over it." That's dictatorial; it's affecting you badly all over again, and it even stops spiritual evolution in the speaker because s/he cannot examine his/her effect on you without admitting that you were affected, first of all, and that his/her effect on you was not positive. When s/he admits, "I had that negative effect on someone I love and care about," then spiritual growth can happen--through humility borne of self-awareness.
"Not positive" effects happen--we are all only human, after all. That's part of accepting that "what is, is." We have to accept that we've been negatively acted on and find it in ourselves to forgive so we can make progress in our spiritual development. But for other people to tell you to forgive and forget without doing the work in themselves to EARN that forgiveness--oh no. :-) If you've been the one negatively affected, then it's up to you when you forgive and how you forgive. Being told to just move on and do it...why, that's another stone thrown at you. Not appropriate and not acceptable.
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2010-09-01 06:34 am (UTC)We can't change, whether "change" means conquering drugs and drink in his case or working on my manifold faults spiritually and mentally in my case, unless we acknowledge the ways we've affected others.
If we've made missteps, then others have felt the fall-out because we are defined by our relationships to other people. Those relationships make us real.
I think in modern US society, with its narrow focus on individuality, individual liberties, individual freedom, on and on, we forget the fact that in one definition of "personality" or "reality," we do not exist unless other human beings know us and acknowledge us. How many sad cases are there in NYC every year of elderly people or ill people passing away unnoticed in summer heat or winter cold because no one knew them? The point's driven home that we, literally, cease to exist when we are unknown by other people.
And as soon as other people know us, we start to affect them.
That, to me, is the REAL meaning of the phrase "Ye shall know them by their fruits." What effects am I having on people in my sphere now? What fruits will pass from me to them through their knowing me?
I can't BE unless I think about that.
Hefty responsibility? Yes. But. Learning how we affect others and how we can be better at affecting others for the good and the true is a main reason to be alive!
That's my thought on being someone who has had effects on other people that I wish I could change, but must learn to accept. On the side you mention, of being someone affected by other people's..."choices," let's say, my opinion is that no one's got the right to tell you to "get over it." That's dictatorial; it's affecting you badly all over again, and it even stops spiritual evolution in the speaker because s/he cannot examine his/her effect on you without admitting that you were affected, first of all, and that his/her effect on you was not positive. When s/he admits, "I had that negative effect on someone I love and care about," then spiritual growth can happen--through humility borne of self-awareness.
"Not positive" effects happen--we are all only human, after all. That's part of accepting that "what is, is." We have to accept that we've been negatively acted on and find it in ourselves to forgive so we can make progress in our spiritual development. But for other people to tell you to forgive and forget without doing the work in themselves to EARN that forgiveness--oh no. :-) If you've been the one negatively affected, then it's up to you when you forgive and how you forgive. Being told to just move on and do it...why, that's another stone thrown at you. Not appropriate and not acceptable.