Anne Lamott, on Whether Having Kids Validates You

[wlotus]

Let me say that not one part of me thinks you need to have children to be complete, to know parts of yourself that cannot be known any other way. People with children like to think this, although if you are not a parent, they hide it--their belief that having a child legitimizes them somehow, validates their psychic parking tickets. They tell pregnant women and couples and one another that those who have chosen not to breed can never know what real love is, what selflessness really means. They like to say that having a child taught them about authenticity.

This is a total crock. Many of the most shut-down, narcissistic, selfish people on earth have children. Many of the most evolved--the richest in spirit, the most giving--choose not to. The exact same chances for awakening, for personal restoration and connection, exist for breeders and nonbreeders alike.

~ Anne Lamott, Chirren, from Grace (Eventually): Thoughts on Faith

Comments

[jane-etrix.livejournal.com]

People with children like to think this, although if you are not a parent, they hide it--their belief that having a child legitimizes them somehow, validates their psychic parking tickets. They tell pregnant women and couples and one another that those who have chosen not to breed can never know what real love is, what selflessness really means.

This is painting with a pretty broad brush, isn't it? I don't think having the girls "legitimizes" me, and I have thought people without children don't know what love is or what selflessness really means. I don't even know what "having a child taught me about authenticity" means.

I have had people without children tell me that I must have felt, after having kids, the the "indefinable thing" that was "missing from my life" has been found with the birth of my kids. I've had people without children tell me I'm selfish for having kids, just like people with children told me I was selfish when I didn't have them.

Have kids or don't, but I am so tired of people attempting to demonize everyone who doesn't share their choices, which seems, from the quote you provide, to be exactly what Ms Lamott is doing.

[astragali.livejournal.com]

Well, for me, having a child let me explore new horizons in exhaustion. But I don't think that makes me a better person.

[wlotus.livejournal.com]

Of course she is painting with a broad brush; all generalizations do. We know there are exceptions to every general statement. But there is truth in what she says. You may not feel you are more valid a human just because you have the girls, but there are people who feel that way, and who shove that belief down the throats of others. It is that mindset Ms. Lamott was addressing as she pointed out everyone can know enlightenment and selflessness, regardless of their status as parents.

[wlotus.livejournal.com]

Ms. Lamott felt the same way about having her son. :-) Including the fact that she didn't think it made her better than those who don't have kids.

[spritely-ariel.livejournal.com]

I like this quote very much.

[jane-etrix.livejournal.com]

Part of my point is that such generalizations are not a good thing. Additionally, her point would be better made by using qualifiers like "some" or "many," as she doesn't do that, it's a problem.

[verucas-chaos.livejournal.com]

Whenever I read something like this I always wonder what classifies someone as a parent. I was once told that I couldn't possibly understand what is was like to feel true parenting because I didn't give birth to my son. He is adopted, so evidently having something pass through my uterus (for the person who told me this) would have made me love him more than I do. Hmm.
I believe whatever you love with your whole being and would sacrifice your own life for is how you come to knowing selflessness and enlightenment. I would, in fact, sacrifice everything for my son...and spouse...and pets.

[wlotus.livejournal.com]

He is adopted, so evidently having something pass through my uterus (for the person who told me this) would have made me love him more than I do. Hmm.

Please excuse me, whilst I puke. ::pukes::

Better now.

:-)

[joystreet.livejournal.com]

Reading this actually made me say "oh my god..." into my empty hotel room. What a horrible thing to be told. You are a bigger person than I if you did anything less than slap the person who said that to you.


Also, I agree wholeheartedly with your belief from "I believe" to "and pets". Very well stated. :)

[joystreet.livejournal.com]

It's kind of funny that you added this today since a related episode of Seinfeld just aired.

I feel that parents--especially women--who subscribe to that "you don't really know until you have a child" belief are so hurtful to the rest of us. If my ability to birth a child is the perceived pinnacle of my potential accomplishments, I...have a lot of thinking to do. How do you say that to someone who cannot conceive, or wishes to exhaust his or her energy on a cause or devotion not related to procreation, or would they just not count as normal women? If I leave a comfortable existence to move to Tanzania and work in an orphanage or travel to India to lend aid to an elephant sanctuary, or spend every waking minute on fighting for legislation to preserve the environment, am I not experiencing something transcending selfishness?

I don't like the equally broad brush that's used to paint parents sometimes, as though some men or women didn't say "oooh I want a baby" or "I need a son" long before they were actually ready to be committed parents, but right after they wanted an addition or an heir.



....I feel like I should put a disclaimer or something that I don't think all parents are snobs.

[lilrongal.livejournal.com]

People with children like to think this, although if you are not a parent, they hide it--their belief that having a child legitimizes them somehow, validates their psychic parking tickets.

Wow, that's a pretty sweeping generalization, isn't it? When I was reading it, I was like "Oh God, I really hope she's quoting someone!"

I think it's a beautiful thing when someone can bring a child into the world, and love and raise the child, etc. etc. Blah blah blah. But I don't think people who don't have children are missing out. It's a different life path, simple as that.

I love my son, but I don't think people who are not parents are *missing out* or *don't know themselves.*

Maybe my situation is unique. I knew from the moment Aidan was born that I would most likely not want more children. And yet, so many people used to (and some still do) bug me about giving him brothers and sisters. The choice whether or not to have children is a precious and wonderful thing, and I wish people wouldn't invalidate whatever experience someone else chooses.

[lilrongal.livejournal.com]

Are you serious?? Like it's her business? People work to survive first and foremost... but so what if they want to spend lots of money on vacations!

Wow. I can't believe some people. :(

[wlotus.livejournal.com]

http://wlotus.livejournal.com/1164208.html?thread=5057712#t5057712

[rockbirthedme.livejournal.com]

My BIL, whose three kids are all adopted, gets pissed off when people say, "You must love them just as much as if they were your own." He says, and I agree with him, that they *are* his own. No one could love their children any better than he and my SIL love their kids.

Love is a choice, and that applies to the relationship between bioparents and their kids just as much as any other relationship.

[rockbirthedme.livejournal.com]

I wish she wouldn't use the word "breeder" -- it's used as a derogative amongst the more virulent of the Child Free(tm) crowd. When I hear it, I have a hard time not hearing the voices of people I've heard and read who seem to seriously believe that children are a curse and that I'm some kind of monster for having them.

[verucas-chaos.livejournal.com]

Amazing, isn't it?

[verucas-chaos.livejournal.com]

Restraint isn't always easy, but I do believe in taking the high ground MOST of the time lol. Thanks for the compliment. Love your icon...I dressed like the Lorax on Halloween about five years ago.

[verucas-chaos.livejournal.com]

Considering that my son recently went to college, shaved his head to a mohawk within 2.5 days and doesn't remember he has a mother (evidenced by his lack of contact since shaving his head) speaks for itself. I guess when you become an empty nester you once again take on the "childless" title and become "purposeless" by default. How insulting. I wish you could "dish" and tell us who the person is - lol.

[wlotus.livejournal.com]

For whatever it may be worth, she was writing as a "breeder" and went on to describe why she chose to have her son.

[rockbirthedme.livejournal.com]

I know she's referring in part to herself. I'd be considerably more upset if she wasn't. But it's still a touchy word, and I wonder if she used it without knowing what the connotations are, or used it deliberately to make a point. Either way, the word hurts.