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wlotusThere is a new play in the area called "Where's My Daddy?". It addresses the issue of absentee fathers by telling the story of two teens who are dealing with a father who is no longer playing a role in their lives. I cringed when I heard about the play and read the synopsis online. It isn't that that message is not truthful; they are right to tell men to take an active role in taking care of their families, especially in the black community, where many men are not taking care of the children they conceived. But I cringed and thought, "Here is something else for some men to use as an excuse to force their way into their children's lives when they are an unhealthy force in the family."
I had an ex who fell into that category. He had two sons by his ex-wife. After a domestic violence incident--if the story he told me is correct, they were both to blame--she got an order of protection against him. In spite of that, when he got good and ready, he visited her apartment building every day and asked to be let in. He rang the bell day after day until she finally (unwisely) let him back in. When I asked him why he had done that he said something about needing to take responsibility for being there for his sons. He didn't want to be an absentee father; it wasn't the "godly" thing to do.
I suppose ignoring an order of protection was the "godly, healthy, responsible" thing to do, eh?
When I hear reports claiming the downturn in society is due to absent fathers, when I hear religious dogma insisting the divine idea of family always includes a father and mother with the children, when I hear of plays like this one, I think about the men who will use that as an excuse to give their exes guilt trips about leaving/putting him out for his abhorrent (though he would never admit it) behavior. What I would like to hear is a more balanced view of society. I want to hear about how chosen family of either sex can provide the role models for children whose fathers are not around. I want to hear about the uncles and cousins and neighbors and Big Brothers who step up to provide positive male role models for those kids. I want to hear about the kids from single-parent homes who do well for themselves in life because of those support systems.
I am tired of the patriarchal claims that kids from homes without a father are doomed, especially if they are black. That isn't the whole truth. Let's face it: when daddy is a womanizing, lying, abusing, financially irresponsible person, it is far healthier for the children that daddy is not there. Having him there won't make the kids suddenly graduate high school with honors and go on to be white-collar professionals; it is more likely they will follow his lead and grow up to be womanizing/ed, lying, abusing/ed, and financially irresponsible. Having him absent will leave that child open to the influence of other, responsible, positive men.
Where are the plays about that, I wonder?
I had an ex who fell into that category. He had two sons by his ex-wife. After a domestic violence incident--if the story he told me is correct, they were both to blame--she got an order of protection against him. In spite of that, when he got good and ready, he visited her apartment building every day and asked to be let in. He rang the bell day after day until she finally (unwisely) let him back in. When I asked him why he had done that he said something about needing to take responsibility for being there for his sons. He didn't want to be an absentee father; it wasn't the "godly" thing to do.
I suppose ignoring an order of protection was the "godly, healthy, responsible" thing to do, eh?
When I hear reports claiming the downturn in society is due to absent fathers, when I hear religious dogma insisting the divine idea of family always includes a father and mother with the children, when I hear of plays like this one, I think about the men who will use that as an excuse to give their exes guilt trips about leaving/putting him out for his abhorrent (though he would never admit it) behavior. What I would like to hear is a more balanced view of society. I want to hear about how chosen family of either sex can provide the role models for children whose fathers are not around. I want to hear about the uncles and cousins and neighbors and Big Brothers who step up to provide positive male role models for those kids. I want to hear about the kids from single-parent homes who do well for themselves in life because of those support systems.
I am tired of the patriarchal claims that kids from homes without a father are doomed, especially if they are black. That isn't the whole truth. Let's face it: when daddy is a womanizing, lying, abusing, financially irresponsible person, it is far healthier for the children that daddy is not there. Having him there won't make the kids suddenly graduate high school with honors and go on to be white-collar professionals; it is more likely they will follow his lead and grow up to be womanizing/ed, lying, abusing/ed, and financially irresponsible. Having him absent will leave that child open to the influence of other, responsible, positive men.
Where are the plays about that, I wonder?
