Sometimes It's Better for Daddy to Not Be There

[wlotus]

There is a new play in the area called "Where's My Daddy?". It addresses the issue of absentee fathers by telling the story of two teens who are dealing with a father who is no longer playing a role in their lives. I cringed when I heard about the play and read the synopsis online. It isn't that that message is not truthful; they are right to tell men to take an active role in taking care of their families, especially in the black community, where many men are not taking care of the children they conceived. But I cringed and thought, "Here is something else for some men to use as an excuse to force their way into their children's lives when they are an unhealthy force in the family."

I had an ex who fell into that category. He had two sons by his ex-wife. After a domestic violence incident--if the story he told me is correct, they were both to blame--she got an order of protection against him. In spite of that, when he got good and ready, he visited her apartment building every day and asked to be let in. He rang the bell day after day until she finally (unwisely) let him back in. When I asked him why he had done that he said something about needing to take responsibility for being there for his sons. He didn't want to be an absentee father; it wasn't the "godly" thing to do.

I suppose ignoring an order of protection was the "godly, healthy, responsible" thing to do, eh?

When I hear reports claiming the downturn in society is due to absent fathers, when I hear religious dogma insisting the divine idea of family always includes a father and mother with the children, when I hear of plays like this one, I think about the men who will use that as an excuse to give their exes guilt trips about leaving/putting him out for his abhorrent (though he would never admit it) behavior. What I would like to hear is a more balanced view of society. I want to hear about how chosen family of either sex can provide the role models for children whose fathers are not around. I want to hear about the uncles and cousins and neighbors and Big Brothers who step up to provide positive male role models for those kids. I want to hear about the kids from single-parent homes who do well for themselves in life because of those support systems.

I am tired of the patriarchal claims that kids from homes without a father are doomed, especially if they are black. That isn't the whole truth. Let's face it: when daddy is a womanizing, lying, abusing, financially irresponsible person, it is far healthier for the children that daddy is not there. Having him there won't make the kids suddenly graduate high school with honors and go on to be white-collar professionals; it is more likely they will follow his lead and grow up to be womanizing/ed, lying, abusing/ed, and financially irresponsible. Having him absent will leave that child open to the influence of other, responsible, positive men.

Where are the plays about that, I wonder?

Comments

[scream4noreason.livejournal.com]

When the womanizing, lying, abusing, financially irresponsible father I was cursed with finally left, we were so much better off. Although I think often of things we missed out on by the loss of income and by simply having only one parent, I sometimes get sad.Generally, however, it was the best thing that could have happened.

[wlotus.livejournal.com]

There are a lot of people out there who can say the same, and that story needs to be told, too. Of course it is sad when parents can't work things out and go their separate ways, and sometimes it is difficult for children to understand that, especially if they are young and if the parents do a good job of keeping their problems with on another out of their relationship with their children. But it is difficult for me to imagine how a child could be better off in a toxic, two-parent household instead of a loving, healthy, one-parent one.

[far-gone.livejournal.com]

Interesting point. As the french say : mieux vaut seul que mal accompagne. Better alone that badly accompanied. and though they mean that for couples, it works for families too.

[wlotus.livejournal.com]

That works for all human relationships.

[queen-in-autumn.livejournal.com]

Have you thought about amplifying this a bit and submitting it for publication somewhere? This deserves wider readership.

[wlotus.livejournal.com]

I hadn't thought about that, but it's something for me to consider. Thanks!

[arkadelos.livejournal.com]

You could submit it to your newspaper and all sorts of magazines and journals, although I cannot think of any off the top of my head. There is also New Agenda.

The link for everyone:

http://thenewagenda.net/

[ruthiebgr8.livejournal.com]

My 23 year old told me this past week that I should have taken her advice when she was 5 and gotten a divorce instead of waiting until she was 18. If I had, she may have had a different opinion about it but growing up as she did caused a lot of problems. Toxic marriages are not good for children.

[wlotus.livejournal.com]

Toxic marriages are not good for children or the adults they love. That is why I feel so sick to my stomach when I hear people talk as though marriage is a magic balm to soothe all of society's ills. Convincing people to marry is not the answer. Teaching women and men to respect one another while teaching women and men to respect (not colonize) women's bodies and reproductive power is a far better place to start, whether people are married or single.

[sweet3mich.livejournal.com]

May I add you?

[wlotus.livejournal.com]

Of course. You didn't have to ask permission, but thank you. Welcome!