I Am

I am anxious and agitated and impatient.

I am not (yet) zen.

28 December 2007

Can one hyperventilate from practicing deep breathing?

How Nice to be So Idealistic

I am reading No Future Without Forgiveness, by Desmond Tutu. In Chapter 2 he talks about a philosophy known as ubuntu in the Nguni languages. He explains, "It is to say, 'My humanity is caught up, is inextricably bound up, in yours....' What dehumanizes you inexorably dehumanizes me." He introduces this concept as he closes his discussion of the process of reconciliation in South Africa following apartheid's dismantling, and he contrasts it to the idea of seeking revenge.

While that sounds wonderful in theory, my experience in all areas of my life has shown that to not be realistic. Most of my life has been about people telling me I am different from, separate from, and less than them. They treated me accordingly. People have justified their abusive or elitist behaviors by naming and punishing me for my perceived sins. They have made themselves happy at my expense and put my best efforts down as inadequate in order to hide their own inadequacies. Yet they are not dehumanized in any way; their lives continue without shame or downfall. They suffer no consequences for their dehumanization of me, so they have no reason to believe it is for the greater good that they treat me with the respect which I tried so hard to give them.

Experience, not pie-in-the-sky philosophy, has taught me the only way for me to have any hope of even standing is to get revenge or see them pay for their sins. When they do not pay I am dehumanized, while not only do they not suffer, not only do they go free, but their lives are elevated on my back and head. There is no ubuntu in my experience; there are only victors and victims, and I am tired of being the second.

Of course, plenty of people seem to have had exactly the opposite experience as me, or they have remained sure there is some good in suffering indignities without seeking revenge. Indeed, some of them seem to have no desire for revenge at all, no matter how nasty others have been to them and no matter how free the perpetrators go without any form of repentence. How?

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It bears noting that not everyone agreed with the South African government's decision to institute a system of truth and amnesty, instead of holding Nuremberg-style trials. There are people who insisted (and who probably still insist) the perpetrators should have been forced to stand trial and then publicly punished for their crimes against humanity. So my feelings are certainly not unique. It's just that the people who had the luxury of being in power during that time of South Africa's history had a different viewpoint. Had a different set of people had that luxury, a different set of events would have happened...some say not as good, but I say just different, for we will never know, now.

A Present for Vic

Now I can wear Vic the iPod around my neck, if I want, and his finish will be protected while he's in my pocket or bag.

In Search of Peace

Perhaps I'll find peace faster, if I just accept the non-peaceful thoughts I have about various people and things, rather than trying to find ways to fight/change my feelings. The feelings will pass in their own time.