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I Cannot Go Back
Aug. 23rd, 2009 08:02 amI am troubled by the fact that now that I am back in touch with someone from my fundamentalist Christian past, someone I care deeply for, any explanations I might make to her about why I have left that life entirely behind seem superficial. My decision feels right, but as people in that movement are fond of saying, it isn't about our feelings; it is about what "god/God" wants. How martyr-ific a mindset that is, not to mention it being a recipe for a return to the depression I fought so hard to overcome, were I to go back.
When I look deeper, I realize this has nothing to do with believing fundamentalism or even Christianity is the One Right WayTM to live. This has everything to do with seeking others' approval...which is what had me repressed and miserable in the fundamentalist lifestyle in the first place. Everything about the lifestyle was about making lists of right vs. wrong and checking it twice an hour. What I felt was right was irrelevant; what everyone else thought was right, as dictated by the pastor, was the standard I was expected to live up to. Anyone who did not comply could find herself the subject of Bible studies, sermons, and silencing. (Silencing is when a person is forced to give up their positions/activities in the spiritual community as a form of punishment. It takes away from that person the very activities which make the community meaningful to her/him and forces them to the very bottom of the social hierarchy. They become a leper, in a sense. Once they comply with the community's expectations, no matter the cost to their own sense of self-respect, they are "restored to full fellowship".) The threat of being publicly ostracized was a real one, and for someone who could not see how she would survive such a humiliating experience, it was more than enough to keep me in line.
I will not go back to that...which means I need to get over the fact that some people from my past may look at my life now and, rather than be glad I am finally at peace through and through, shake their heads in scorn and make a life like mine the subject of Bible studies and sermons.
When I look deeper, I realize this has nothing to do with believing fundamentalism or even Christianity is the One Right WayTM to live. This has everything to do with seeking others' approval...which is what had me repressed and miserable in the fundamentalist lifestyle in the first place. Everything about the lifestyle was about making lists of right vs. wrong and checking it twice an hour. What I felt was right was irrelevant; what everyone else thought was right, as dictated by the pastor, was the standard I was expected to live up to. Anyone who did not comply could find herself the subject of Bible studies, sermons, and silencing. (Silencing is when a person is forced to give up their positions/activities in the spiritual community as a form of punishment. It takes away from that person the very activities which make the community meaningful to her/him and forces them to the very bottom of the social hierarchy. They become a leper, in a sense. Once they comply with the community's expectations, no matter the cost to their own sense of self-respect, they are "restored to full fellowship".) The threat of being publicly ostracized was a real one, and for someone who could not see how she would survive such a humiliating experience, it was more than enough to keep me in line.
I will not go back to that...which means I need to get over the fact that some people from my past may look at my life now and, rather than be glad I am finally at peace through and through, shake their heads in scorn and make a life like mine the subject of Bible studies and sermons.
