"Teasing, By Definition, Is Hostile"

[wlotus]

Telling a child or adult not to be hurt by teasing is as bewildering as telling her not to flinch or cry when someone slaps her in the face because the assaulter was "just having fun...."

If you are sensitive to teasing, you have no apologies to make. Permitting yourself to be the brunt of jokes or the target of hostile humor is neither admirable nor a sign of emotional health. When you laugh along with those who tease you, you not only devalue your own self-esteem you also reward the teasers for their hurtfulness or cruelty as well.

~Dr. Harriet B. Baker, "The Disease to Please"

Comments

[ginamariewade.livejournal.com]

On the other hand, humans being as they are, being able to take teasing without completely falling apart is a COPING SKILL that can and should be taught.

[dulcinbradbury.livejournal.com]

::nods:: And there IS good-natured teasing. The problematic teasing is when it goes from good-natured to button pressing.

[wlotus.livejournal.com]

Part of the problem with teasing is what is good-natured to one person is button pressing to another. (It is also problematic when someone admits their buttons are being pressed, and instead of getting an apology, they get told they are being "too sensitive" and they "don't have a sense of humor".) If I find out my good-natured teasing has pushed someone's buttons, I try to remember to immediately back off and apologize for inadvertently hurting the person's feelings. I prefer other forms of humor, anyway. There's less of a chance of hurting someone.

[wlotus.livejournal.com]

People should be taught to walk away from teasing without apology, not take it. Walking away without apology sends the clear message that the teasing is not appreciated and that the person is not (and should not be) ashamed for not tolerating it. Taking it sends the message that the teasing is okay.

[arkadelos.livejournal.com]

Another good coping strategy!

[arkadelos.livejournal.com]

*nod* Some things are just not worth getting upset over. Sometimes, I think our culture has forgotten entirely about positive coping skills.

[shadowandstar.livejournal.com]

Not just teasing, but much humor in general is abusive.

It was an eye-opener to me to read Freud's "On Humor" (not sure if that's the correct title) in my senior seminar in theater. He makes a strong case that virtually all humor is about pain in some sense.

I hate the way teasing bullies people, and objecting to it only draws more abuse in accusations of "not having a sense of humor."

[wlotus.livejournal.com]

That is why I don't find much modern "comedy" funny: much of it is about making fun of others. I don't see any humor in that.

Anyone who does not respect my desire to not be teased in a particular way or at a particular moment does not get the honor of my presence. Period.

[labellerose.livejournal.com]

Walking away is a good idea, so is having something to say ready.
I taught my kiddos when somebody came up with that obnoxious "Well, I was just joking" ( please ) to say "It's not a joke unless everybody's laughing."

[wlotus.livejournal.com]

That's a good one. I need to remember it.

[audrabaudra.livejournal.com]

My mother and I were JUST talking about this!

She has a sister-in-law (my aunt) who thinks she can say anything to anyone for a laugh. You can see her narrowing in for the kill, but there's almost nothing to do about it.

Except the one time, when I taught her a lesson, and Mom was just laughing about this today!

Jackie came out of the bathroom and said, "Who put up your towel rack? Did you?," looking at my mom.

"Yeah, it was me," Mom said.

"GOOD JOB. It's crooked as hell," Jackie said.

"Yeah?" I said. "You should talk to whoever put that face on your head because they made a fucking balls-up of that, too."

Jackie got her things and left soon after--proving, once again, that them who dish out are never them that can take it.

No, I don't like bullies and people who tease. People who pick like that get away with it because good people let them. The only solution, I've ever found, is to push back.

Wanda, I know what you're saying about walking away, but then they make fun of you behind your back. I'd much rather call them out to their face and thrash it through, one-on-one.

[wlotus.livejournal.com]

I am sorry to say it, but she asked for that!

If I can think of a comeback, I say it, if it doesn't leave my soul feeling dirty. But I prefer to just walk away, because most times when I push back, they just continue to make fun of me to my face. I figure if they are going to make fun of me, better for them to do it when I cannot see or hear it. I have better things to do with my eyes and ears, anyway.

[kickadee.livejournal.com]

Wow this is tough for me. It makes sense but I'm going to have to think about it and put some effort into trying to actually apply it some time.

[arkadelos.livejournal.com]

Speaking as someone who was a victim of some rather hostile bullying, I know from personal experience there is a difference between not letting myself be hurt by teasing and going along with the teasing. Telling children not to be hurt by teasing in and of itself does not equal going along with the teasing.
Individuals with high self-esteem do not let teasing bother them and can walk away from negative situations or distance themselves emotionally away from the teasing. Bullying no longer hurts my self-esteem. If someone insults me or calls me worthless, I ignore the comment and move on; I am better and beyond that.

[miss-shelley-p.livejournal.com]

i couldn't agree more.

god, i was tormented so much as a child.

teachers wouldn't do anything. counselor yelled at me and actually called my parents and told them they needed to beat me more (what?!?).

i finally got my peace my regularly beating the shit out of kids who tormented me for about a year and a half. then i had fear on my side and they left the chubbie short kid alone.

it shouldn't have had to get to that point.

[wlotus.livejournal.com]

It never should have gotten to that point. How terrible!

This is why teasing is evil.

[queenlyzard.livejournal.com]

I like this quote!