wlotus | I'm Not Giving Up

My embracing of ordinariness could seem as though I am giving up on myself and my dreams. But my attitude is not, "I'm never going to be famous, so I may as well resign myself to the boring life of being a nobody." I don't feel resigned, I am not bored by my life at this moment, and I certainly do not feel like I am a nobody.

First and foremost, I feel relief. I do not have to remain in a constant state of stress, weighed down by a persistent struggle for significance in the eyes of others. It sounds like a cliche' to say, "I AM significant," but I feel as though that statement is close to what I feel. (Only close, because it isn't significance in the way I used to think of it: fame in others' eyes.) Who I am and what I do in my daily life has meaning to me, whether or not anyone outside of my inner circle sees it. I cannot put it into adequate words, but I sure feel it through and through.

Right along with relief, I feel contentment. I am satisfied with my self and the life I am building day by day. I like focusing on the things that are important to ME, rather than trying desperately to figure out and do what I think would make me important in others' eyes. I can relax and be myself for the first time in a very long time, on a deeper level than I have been able to do since I was a very small child. I am remembering what it felt like to be at peace with myself and my world in the years before I started primary school. The memories are fuzzy, but they are there, and the way I feel now is the same way I felt then.

All of this has happened because my desires have radically changed. Where I used to primarily desire significance in the eyes of others, I now primarily desire peace. I desire self-satisfaction. I want to be happy and content. By living mindfully, appreciating ordinariness, and pursuing quiet consistency, I am finding what I desire.