Today I Am Not Panicking

[wlotus]

Over the weekend I found words to express the anxiety that tends to hum in the background of my consciousness every day. I'm afraid that no matter what I do, I won't have enough money to do all I need (and want) to do in life. It doesn't help that I am making much less right now than I was making when I worked as a hardware engineer. Furthermore, I had always associated my ability to have enough with that career. Even then I worried about having enough; now that I am on a different path, my anxiety has gone up exponentially.

I flung a slew of "What ifs" at T to explain why I was so concerned. Then in her matter-of-fact, blunt way she said, "You need to stop panicking."

*blinkblink* Stop? Panicking? But isn't that long list of "What Ifs" full of very good reasons to panic?

Perhaps so, but there's a problem: panicking isn't helping me be prepared for any of those what ifs. What helps me be prepared is, surprise, what I am already doing: things like making sure I have other skills I can use to earn money, living within my means, paying my bills, and saving some money each pay period...and occasionally buying something nice for myself and/or T. What more can I expect from myself and still be fair to myself?

Panicking is the same thing as saying what I am doing with my life is not good enough. When I don't panic, I am giving myself credit for being on the right track. As for the worst-case scenarios, it is best to briefly acknowledge them (as opposed to panicking over them) and then return to living a day at a time.

That living a day at a time stuff is particularly hard for me, because I have always had a tendency to look down the road and see the possible outcomes of my actions. This tendency has helped me avoid a lot of pain, and I am grateful for it. However, when coupled with my tendency to obsess over bad things, project them into the future, and attempt to find the One Right Answer^TM to permanently avoid those bad things, it has caused me a lot of anxiety. That combination of traits is what led to the weekend's conversation with T and is probably linked to the nervous habits I have of picking/tearing at my hair and grinding my teeth.

"You need to learn how to live in the moment," she also said. Since I have the bases covered as much as I can in my current circumstances, the best thing for me to do is relax. Enjoy now. Stop patrolling the proverbial wall looking for holes to stick my fingers into and embrace what is going on right in front of me. So I have been doing that...and it is HARD. Some moments I feel like I am potentially missing something important, and isn't that a new crack in the wall's foundation, by the way?????????? (No, wlotus, it's a harmless spider. Stop that!) But my head is quieter. I have been more focused. I have felt happier. My muscles have been less clenched, even though I have been working out a lot of residual nervous energy. These are good things.

Each morning since that conversation (and throughout the day) I say to myself, "Today I am not panicking." I've even been writing it in my paper journal. That's what I've been doing the past two day I haven't posted: practicing not panicking. With T's help, I think I can get used to this.

Comments

[runningnekkid.livejournal.com]

As a fellow anxious what-iffer trying hard to reform her ways, I was glad to see this post and hope that we both can make a habit of concentrating on our actions, not our imaginations. Good luck!!

[iswari.livejournal.com]

Same here.

[wlotus.livejournal.com]

Really? Welcome to the club. Perhaps we can help one another by using each other as a sounding board when we get into panic mode.

[wlotus.livejournal.com]

Good luck to you, too! My imagination is a blessing, but sometimes it is crazy-making. :-)

[tea-soaked.livejournal.com]

Awesome. I love your perspective and T's perspective on panicking. Makes so much sense.

[wlotus.livejournal.com]

It's easier said than done, but doing it makes life SO MUCH EASIER. :-)

[scream4noreason.livejournal.com]

Learning optimism can be so hard. You're certainly not alone in mastering that art.

[wlotus.livejournal.com]

The most frustrating part is that I was a completely optimist as a child, if the stories I've been told about myself are true. I learned pessimism, and UNlearning it will probably be a lifelong project.

[shutterbug.livejournal.com]

I have these attacks every so often, as you well know, so I completely understand. I hope to learn from you and T as well.

[wlotus.livejournal.com]

Hello, my partner in panic. :-) Funny how I have little trouble finding the words to encourage you, but it took T's words to get me to see I was stuck in a panic mode. I am amused.

[queenlyzard.livejournal.com]

*bows to T's superior wisdom*

This is some good advice. I've been practicing something quite similar, and it helps a lot.

[wlotus.livejournal.com]

What to hear something funny? I wasn't going to talk to her about it, because I wanted someone to commiserate, not give a blunt response of what I needed to do. I am SO GLAD I changed my mind, because her response was exactly what I needed at that moment.

[musicbearmn.livejournal.com]

Sometimes, I think you and I are twins, and that T and Keith are twins...LOL. It is a practiced art :)

[wlotus.livejournal.com]

And what a nice-looking twin I have found! LOL! Yeah, I am getting a lot of practice.

[mallorys-camera.livejournal.com]

I think you are very lucky to have such a wise & supportive lover.

Having said that... for me, the panicking thing is not somehting I can consciously control. Although, of course, in my case my life is dangerously tilt right now & I have no supports beyond the every wise voice in my head that says, This too shall pass... the best you can ever do is learn so it doesn't happen again. Even so -- I think there's an OCD component to panicking -- you know you should be guiding your thoughts away from that well trod path, but somehow you can't.

[wlotus.livejournal.com]

Just like T told me, if you are doing all of the right steps, the best thing to do is relax and just keep doing those things. Panicking just wears you out, especially when you're already covering the bases as best as you can.

I think there is something OCD about panicking, too. I feel like I have to identify and mitigate EVERY possible catastrophe, so when I am not frantically searching my life for something to fix, I tend to panic and think I am missing something that I would catch, if I were being more vigilant. When I am more rational, I feel it is best to trust myself to handle unseen catastrophes as they come, rather than trying to foresee every one. As for the ones I can easily identify, I need to trust that the things I am doing to mitigate their effects are good enough.

[greenminions.livejournal.com]

As someone who has up until this point has always struggled with not making much money, supported 2 people on one income etc, it's interesting to hear you say that when you were making a lot you worried it wasn't enough. I've often wondered if I'll still be the same way if both of us ever have "stable" jobs.

I think all we can really do is plan for the future but also acknowledge that plans don't always work out. I think it's good that you embrace both your approach and T's.

[audrabaudra.livejournal.com]

I so so so relate to this. As musicbearmn said above, you and he are twins, and your partners are twins. Well, guess what? You've got a triplet, and so do your partners!

Tell you the part where I really relate: "That combination of traits...is probably linked to the nervous habits I have of picking/tearing at my hair..." For YEARS, I pulled hair out of my head. Constantly. When I met Ross and he got to know me, he stared in disbelief at how I would start tearing at my hair when I got anxious--which was all the time--and he put a stop to it by saying, "STOP THAT!" every time I started. I still do it occasionally, when things get to me. But I've learned to keep my hands off my hair because of Ross's vigilance.

And another coincidence: one of Ross's phrases to me is "Don't Panic." When he and I got together, the littlest thing going wrong would cause me to spin out.

I've had long periods of deprivation in my life, coupled with times of extreme stress because of constant assessment and worry about whether or not work done in the present would actually pay off in the future. Throw in a really bad relationship with a small, manipulative man with his own issues, and you can see how being anxious and sick ALL the time became a way of life for me.

In fact, at that point in my life, a friend pointed out that for me, "anxious" had become my comfort spot. If I wasn't wound tight, I thought something was wrong!

[wlotus.livejournal.com]

If I wasn't wound tight, I thought something was wrong!

And this is why not panicking is so hard for me!!!!!!! LOL!