I Fought the Good Fight

[wlotus]

Last night I dreamed a man was attacking me and a male friend. I was successfully blocking the attacker's blows and refused to give up my bags, which had my wallet and camera in them. First I told my friend to run while I fought the attacker. I fought off the attacker long enough to run after my friend, but the assailant caught up with me after I caught up with my friend. The attacker was not phased and began attacking both of us. I had wanted him to just back off and leave us alone, but he wouldn't.

When I got an opening, I pressed the broken wood in my hands against the side of our assailant's neck. He ignored me and kept attacking my friend. I realized my friend could not save us, the attacker would not be reasoned with, and only I could stop the attacks. I was taken aback at the thought of driving that wood through the man's neck, but I knew if I didn't use my advantage at that moment, he would continue to attack us. So I closed my eyes, put the distasteful thoughts away, hollered to focus my chi, and drove that wood home with all my strength.

All went quiet.

When I opened my eyes there was no blood, and I don't remember seeing his body. But his severed head was lying at my friend's feet, deflated like a balloon.

After I called the police I told my friend, "My only regret is I didn't get brotha-man's picture before I killed him. He was a fine-looking brother." My friend's response was a cool, "They're going to take you to jail when the police find his body." There was no thanks or admiration in his face or tone of voice. I raised my eyebrow at him and replied that I had just called the police to tell them about the altercation, and I doubted they would throw me in jail for defending us.

---

I remember that moment of decision. I remember knowing that even though my friend was bigger and stronger than me--he and our assailant were evenly match--my friend would be more likely to run and leave me to fight than to rescue me. I even remembered something I (in real life) told my therapist yesterday afternoon: my life is MY responsibility, and I ought not expect anyone to rescue me from life. That was when I gathered every ounce of my will and dealt that fatal blow to the attacker.

That says a lot about how little I feel I can depend on the men I have encountered since my childhood, even when I could most use their help and support.

It also says a lot about how I am learning to put aside my expectations of rescue and do whatever I need to do to protect myself. I like that I faced reality and got the job done, even though it was distasteful to me. I am no weak and wilting flower waiting for a prince to rescue me, not even in my dreams! (And even in my dreams, I simply could not afford to be.)

Had the dream continued, I wonder if I would have dismissed that so-called friend who was with me. I suspect so.

Comments

Interesting dream.

[lapetitediva.livejournal.com]

And very telling :) I've given up on fantasies of being rescued--well, I still fantasize about that, but rationally, I know that in real life, the only person I can truly depend on is me, and while I don't always like that option, my mind--or is it my body?--refuses to just lie down and give up. I don't know whether it's stubborness, stupidity, or just me being realistic. Probably a combination of all three.

Oh, and you so don't need "friends" like the one in your dream. He shouldn't even be in your dreams :), but I guess better your dreams than in real life :)

Re: Interesting dream.

[wlotus.livejournal.com]

I think the "friend" in my dream represents a male friend I have recently realized is not truly there for me, as well as some guys from my past.

Re: Interesting dream.

[lensylinda.livejournal.com]

I just completed a lawsuit wherein I drove that same piece of wood through the figurative neck of the ex-bastage. While I did not win the suit. I did learn many of the things you point out. I still love men, despite being disappointed by many. I won't project that disappointment onto the good men in the world.

Thank you for sharing your essay.