(no subject)

[wlotus]

I have been reading Caitlin Matthews' book In Search of Woman's Passionate Soul. I began reading the book in search of proof that my daimon is a real being who loves and dwells with me; I wanted to know my soul is not alone. To my surprise, when faced with Matthews' assertion in support of that ideal, I rejected it.

Matthews believes a woman's daimon is real, a spiritual entity who dialogues with her through dreams, visions, or reveries (what I used to believe was God talking to me through prayer). That is different from fantasy, and she clearly distinguishes between the two.

Reverie should not be confused with fantasy: we are not dreaming up something that isn't there or that we have consciously invented, but allowing something deeper that already exists in our experience to arise and show itself. [P. 104-105]

I am uncomfortable with this. It seems to be an alternative incarnation of fooling myself into thinking God was talking to me. (And how do I know I was fooling myself? Because when I was sure God was promising to assuage my soul-loneliness by sending me a mate, it did not happen.) I divorced myself from that thinking in 2002 or 2003 and, rather than attributing such things to God, I attributed the dreams and visions to my own intuition. Guidance does not come from some mysterious being outside of myself. Rather, the creative, problem-solving, comforting, and identifying ideas I receive come from within my own soul and bubble up into my consciousness. It is part of taking responsibility for myself, for better or worse: whatever the outcome of living my ideas, it is I who conceived them and lived/acted them out, so it is I who must deal with the consequences.

I suppose this means I am no longer a spiritual person. I won't go so far as saying the spiritual realm does not exist, because I have no conclusive evidence of that. But I can say in my experience, spirituality appears to be a disassociation of oneself from one's thoughts and ideas...perhaps out of fear of the consequences from one's choice to live according to those thoughts and ideas? It is far easier to say, after a failure, "It must not be God's time," or, "The universe is not yet ready to allow those things to come to pass," than to admit, "Not only was that a bad idea I had, but my execution of it was probably way off." And for people who are afraid of (admitting to) being prideful, it is far easier to say, "God made this good thing happen," than to say, "I did this, and it was great!"

That does not negate my admiration of Jesus Christ as my ultimate role model. But it leaves my doubts about the existence of the spiritual realm and an all-encompassing, benevolent god. I know Jesus believed there was such a god (if the records of his beliefs are accurate) and believed that god was his father in every sense of the word. I respect his belief, even as I doubt it. Outside of being an admirable radical of his time, I don't know who Jesus was. The written stories that historians bothered to preserve came from the pens of males prone to the frailties all humans are prone to. What of their writing is true, and what is the embellishment of men desperate to be delivered from an oppressive political regime? (Furthermore, why did they not organize and free themselves, instead of waiting around for a miracle to happen?)

I went on a blind date last night with a man who professes to be a born-again Christian. While talking to him and sensing the quiet earnestness in his profession of faith, I found myself longing to return to the unquestioning obedience of my past, that ability to suspend reason and believe, without proof, there is an all-powerful, benevolent god who makes things happen--note, again, the abdication of personal responsibility for making one's life what one wants it to be--and works all things out for my good according to a master plan. Life seemed so much easier, then...until my world came crashing down and my soul was left to die from neglect, in spite of my obedience and my faith that God would take much better care of me than that. If I, once again, suspend reason, I will surely suffer another, worse crash down the road. I was nearly destroyed by the first one; I dare not risk another.

It's interesting that in my fundamentalist Christian days, I equated daimons with demons. Now, I equate daimons with denial of personal responsibility. Understand, though, that I don't look down on someone for adopting either belief (in a daimon or in a divine presence talking to them). Even if I don't find those ideas useful right now--and who knows how my views may shift in the future...I never saw this shift coming back when I was a fundie--I see how those beliefs can be useful for the people who believe in them.

This rejection of the idea that wisdom, comfort, and guidance come from outside of myself is crucial to my development. One of the things my upbringing took from me and I abdicated as a young adult was respect for my inner voice and trust in my intuition. By rejecting this "somebody bigger than you or I" ideal, I am learning to hear and value my inner voice for the first time. If I later become convinced of the existence of a guiding force outside of myself, I will be able to integrate that belief with self-respect and responsibility for my life.

Comments

[queen-in-autumn.livejournal.com]

This rejection of the idea that wisdom, comfort, and guidance come from outside of myself is crucial to my development.

Sometimes the most valuable thing a person gets from reading a book is clarifying that they do not agree with or share the author's position.

Even if they read it on the recommendation of a a good friend. ;-)

[wlotus.livejournal.com]

I agree. :-) I doubt I would have this much clarity on my position, had I not read this book. What's even stranger is that I am halfway through the book and find it much easier to read, now.