Attempting to Return to Myself

[wlotus]

A couple of people's posts this morning have me thinking about my own mental state...specifically, how it affects my approach to life. When I think about who I was as a child and compare her to who I am now, I look as though I am afraid of my own shadow. I am not afraid of my own shadow, but the difference is that stark, even after much growth and healing over the past decade.

Back then I was fearless, barreling into new experiences headfirst with no doubts about my ability to (if not master the experience) adapt. But now? While I am far more open and adventurous than I was in the late 90s, you would still think I had opened my eyes one morning and seen the most horrible monster ever! I have to talk myself into interacting with others, both in person and on the 'phone (and occasionally online). I feel an unpleasant shock when I see a name I do not recognize in my email Inbox or LJ comments, sure I am about to be roundly criticized or attacked for something I said. I have to talk myself past crippling self-doubt to try many new things. Left to my instincts, I would hole up in a corner of my bedroom and never come out.

I was not born this way, and I cannot medicate this away. While the Lexapro has kept things down to a dull roar, the change only comes from being aware of and pushing through these tendencies. The meds help me think more clearly so I can work around them.

Even as I celebrate my self-awareness and strength, I am mourning the loss (she is not lost, only buried) flattening of the bright-eyed, bouncy, bold little girl I used to be. This is far more than a healthy respect for reality; it is an acquired crippling that takes a lot of energy for me to overcome.

Perhaps it will be less difficult to push though the inertia in time. I sure hope so. It takes far more energy to live life this way...energy I could spend on the living rather than on convincing myself to live. I am getting quite good at the convincing, don't get me wrong, but I wish I could just do it.

Comments

[arkadelos.livejournal.com]

When I was suffering from depression after high school, I had personal counseling to help with through it. Have you considered counseling services? Personally, I think they're much better than medication.

Sometimes you have to convince yourself to live before you can actually live. Sometimes you just have to say, "worries, I am going to ignore you."

[wlotus.livejournal.com]

In fact, I was in counseling from 1999 until last year, with a short break between therapists. Therapy is what helped me become as self-aware as I am. Before then, I didn't take my depression seriously and just thought it was a lack of spirituality or a bad attitude. My therapists took my feelings seriously, and that inspired me to do the same. They also helped me learn healthier coping techniques. It was the best thousands of dollars I ever spend on myself. :-)

[sweet3mich.livejournal.com]

Gads! I could have written this post myself.

I am beginning to realize that this thing we call "life" is a constant state of change and growth, and it's best to never get too comfortable because just around the corner there will be something more to learn.

I think where I struggle is trying to figure out where that change has a place in my life, or even recognizing whether the change is good or not. I look back at the girl I used to be, even 5 years ago, and it makes me a little sad because I really miss her. She was so lively and fun and full of optimism. I want to be her again.

It's interesting that you mention that you thought your depression was just a lack of spirituality or a bad attitude. It's something that I've often thought of myself...if I could just "buck up" and stop being such a crab then maybe I could be happier...I'm glad I signed up for some mental help.

[wlotus.livejournal.com]

Therapy taught me the difference between merely having a bad attitude and having uncomfortable feelings. My uncomfortable feelings (like crabbiness) are always for a good reason: a depressive episode, a misunderstanding, unhealthy self-talk, or a situation outside of myself. My therapists also helped me learn healthy ways to handle my uncomfortable feelings. I used to handle them by beating up on myself for being so crabby, which did not help. :-)

I hope your therapy sessions help you, too!

[acoustics1220.livejournal.com]

Awww, and you're such a gem! Don't hide that from others. I always love reading your entries, if it weren't for syven I would never have had the opportunity to meet you.

I recognize this, I'm not as foolhardy as I used to be, or 'bold' like you say you were. I've been pushing myself to just 'be' that happy person that no one understands how they can be so happy. Life is such a great adventure, and really, the problems of today will be nothing in a matter of moments, days, years. There's so much to take advantage of right now! I hope things will be BRILLIANT for you :D

[wlotus.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

[jadegirl.livejournal.com]

I hear you! I also *see* you doing a great deal to work past these things - all the classes and work/interactions around your photography, even your relationship with T. You've come an enormously long way in a very short time, don't forget to give yourself all due credit for that!

It does get wearying, though.

[wlotus.livejournal.com]

You're right, of course. :-) I think the mourning may partly come from giving myself credit; I recognize how far I have had to come to get where I am, now. But I am not letting the mourning or my lingering fears hold me back, and that is something to celebrate.

[far-gone.livejournal.com]

I think you have amazing self-awareness, and you seem much happier now than any time since I've "known" you. I know that doesn't mean that you feel happy all the time, but it seems like you've gotten to a much better place this past couple years (despite huge challenges!), and I bet that progress continues.

[wlotus.livejournal.com]

I am in a MUCH better place now than I was a couple of years ago. I am doing a good job of capitalizing on the freedom my challenges have brought, in spite of my fears. It is sometimes slow going; I haven't moved forward on certain goals as much as I would like, because I am battling fear at the same time. But slow progress is still progress, and progress in processing my feelings is just as important as external progress that others can see. I just have to remind myself of that. :-)

[ciardhapagan.livejournal.com]

I think a lot of women could identify with this. Our culture crushes women's spirits. I know I had to fight my own battle. Thankfully I had a feminist mom and she talked about her struggles, so I knew in my teens to fight hard against anything that tried to crush my spirit, no matter what quarter it came from. I like to think my abolitionist three times great grandmother passed a bit of her fiery spirit down to me too. I know her granddaughter, my great grandmother gave way to no man, but she was the best grandmother- especially to her grand daughters. We all loved her very much, and she lived to be almost 104 years old- living to see all of her great great grandchildren (My cousins kids, neither my sister, brother or I had any children- by choice)

I know I'm luckier than most women are in our culture, my father's mother was also a woman who believed strongly in women's equality and let no man dominate her. My mother's mother was the only older woman in my family who played by the circumscribed rules, and of my grandmothers she was the one we liked least as she was emotionally abusive to both her children and grandchildren.

[wlotus.livejournal.com]

You were quite blessed to have adults in your life to help you combat the crushing effect society has on girls developing self-awareness. That is the type of support I aspire to provide to any young women who cross my path.

[scream4noreason.livejournal.com]

I hear you! Left to my own devices, I could easily shuffle about the house seeing no-one forEVAH and not care a hoot. I know however, what is and isn't good for me.

I really, really enjoy your journal and when I first read it I thought, wow, here is a woman not afraid to go against popular opinion, who is talented, takes great pictures, and seems very self aware, intelligent, can write, hell she even knits! You see, all of those things are true, if they weren't, then other people wouldn't see them in your words.

A part of you is "really living" even if it doesnt feel like it to you. Even if it is only in your words, not in your deeds, that you're putting your lessons and messages out there to others, then you've made a more substantial attempt at it than many other people could consider.

As creative people, a part of us is always going to be "kept down" or crushed by society, but we are also the most high maintenance, with the greatest need to explore our dreams OUR way, cursed as artists to notice the details. Even if we came with a set of instructions, its doubtful anyone who raised us would have read through them enough to fully imbue in us the required skill set we need to pull off our particular destiny. We have to give that to ourselves. If we couldn't, then I don't believe we would have been handed the desire to do so.

[wlotus.livejournal.com]

*hugs* Thank you so much. You're right: really living includes pushing through our issues to be the best person we are capable of being at that time. I'm sure everyone has something they have to push through from time to time. :-) (Thank goodness I've stopped believing I am the most flawed, least worthy person on the planet!)