Still Hanging On
Nov. 15th, 2009 08:28 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
wlotusI had a conversation yesterday that reminded me I no longer believe the foundational tenets of Christianity. I don't believe there is a cognizant, independent being called "God"; to me, god is nothing more than another word for the life force that is found in all living things. I don't believe Jesus was any more or less divine than you or me; he was a person of incredibly strong convictions who treated people from all sexes and walks of life with radical equality in a time and culture where that was almost unheard of. I believe Bible accounts of things like the creation and the parting of the Red Sea are, most likely, myths like the ones the Greeks and Romans told about their gods to explain what they did not understand. (I still don't have a firm opinion on the stories about Jesus' death and resurrection.)
Yet I do not have any desire to withdraw my membership from The Riverside Church, a decidedly Christian church, in spite of not having attended a worship service since mid-summer, and in spite of not being involved in any ministries or classes there. I have no desire to find and join a Unitarian Universalist Church (UUC) congregation; because they are not decidedly Christian, it wouldn't feel like being a member of a "real" church to me. And I insist on defining myself as "Christian", though I am quite clear that my deep respect for how Jesus lived his life and my agreement with the things he taught is what makes a Christian, not belief in his divinity or the sometimes questionable teachings of his early followers.
I feel as though I am grasping at straws, and I do not understand why I am grasping.
Yet I do not have any desire to withdraw my membership from The Riverside Church, a decidedly Christian church, in spite of not having attended a worship service since mid-summer, and in spite of not being involved in any ministries or classes there. I have no desire to find and join a Unitarian Universalist Church (UUC) congregation; because they are not decidedly Christian, it wouldn't feel like being a member of a "real" church to me. And I insist on defining myself as "Christian", though I am quite clear that my deep respect for how Jesus lived his life and my agreement with the things he taught is what makes a Christian, not belief in his divinity or the sometimes questionable teachings of his early followers.
I feel as though I am grasping at straws, and I do not understand why I am grasping.
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Date: 2009-11-15 06:28 pm (UTC)Lately I have found myself wanting to become a member of a church, not because I believe in Jesus' divinity, or the idea of God being an all powerful, singular creator who we should all give ourselves over to. But I know there *is* something greater than myself out there, and I know that I like the idea of being surrounded by others who feel the same way. And I do believe in some of the basic teachings of Jesus, who I believe to be a progressive thinker of his time and someone who changed the course of history in a very large way. And for that I admire him. But is he any more divine that you or me? No.
I don't know. I am yearning for something, for real. Something I can sink myself in to and say "Ahhh..this is where I belong." Something that I will find a continuous source of happiness and joy that I can then pass on to others. *shrug* I just don't know what it is or where it is and that is increasingly frustrating to me.