One Person's Freedom Is Another's Straight Jacket

[wlotus]

From time to time I hear people insist that if one cannot be truly, deeply happy without a partner, one has an unhealthy attachment to being in a romantic relationship. The problem with that view is it is far too narrow. One size does not and cannot fit all.

As with anything, different things are beneficial for different people. Not all people can take the same healthy foods; some are allergic. Not all people can handle the same healing medications; there are allergies there, too. We would never tell someone whom we know is allergic to peanuts, "You should be able to eat them, and your reaction to them is a sign you are unhealthy." Yet we do that often when it comes to people's reactions to being single or coupled.

The fact is that on an emotional level, some people can thrive single, and others not so much. Some of the people who cannot thrive single are unhealthily attached to wanting a partner. For others they are perfectly well-adjusted, and being romantically connected is simply a strong need for them. Likewise, some people who are happy single are well-adjusted, while others are commitment-phobic and unable to have healthy relationships. When we make broad generalizations like, "Everyone needs someone," or, "Everyone should be totally happy alone," we end up only telling some of the story for some of the people some of the time.

(Expanded from a comment I made in single_101.)

Comments

[phenomenull.livejournal.com]

Very well put.

[tively-split.livejournal.com]

Today mom showed me this an article about an apparently popular matchmaking site for Dutch Christian singles. And the question I immediately asked myself is: does mom think the only way to happiness is thru matrimony? Why does what worked for her necessarily have to work for me as well? I've had the misfortune of becoming involved with a girl who idolized matrimony. I think she saw it as a way to getting a guarantee that someone would take care of her all her life. I think that that view of marriage is a lie. I don't believe that the purpose of life is merely to get married. Which is not to say I wouldn't like to meet a special someone who would value me for being who I am and all that. But if I don't, does that mean all of my happinesses till now have been somehow bogus, simply because I'm single? I doubt it.

[wlotus.livejournal.com]

I not only doubt it, I KNOW that is bogus. Your happinesses are perfectly valid, no matter your marital status.

[ruthiebgr8.livejournal.com]

I agree with what you have to say here with a slight caveat. I think some people are healthily not interested in a romantic relationship as certain times of their life and healthily looking for one in other time of their life.

I have felt guilty because I prefer to be paired. I'm happier and more content with another in my life that I am partnered with. It's just the way I am wired. I have no problem with others being content by themselves. The important thing, to me, is that they are content where they are and not being abused.

[ennuiescapist.livejournal.com]

I agree with you... Enough with the broad, sweeping generalizations about how others' live should be.

Now, if only I could internalize this... I still measure myself according to these standards and generalizations...

[wlotus.livejournal.com]

It's a struggle for a lot of people, myself included. I am pleased that I am getting better at recognizing it and stopping the thoughts, these days. That may be the best I can hope for, considering how deep the conditioning goes.