How Dare I?

[wlotus]

How dare I consider someone's criticism of me and not change my behavior in accordance with their opinion? How dare I decide someone else's viewpoint makes no sense? How dare I decide my viewpoint is more applicable to my life than their viewpoint is and dismiss what they have said?

How dare I not?

The hallmark of adulthood is making up one's own mind about who to be and how to live. I was not raised to think that way; I was raised to please those who criticized me, irrespective of the cost to my sense of self, my time, my energy, and my soul. The burden to please was heaviest when the critic was someone who cared for me in some way. I spent a lot of my life feeling victimized because of that. But gradually, over the past nine years, I have learned I am not a victim of others' opinions. I may have been as a child, but as an adult, I and I alone have the power over my life.

I have also learned I cannot have my cake and eat it, too. Not everyone is going to be happy with my choices or recognize and respect them as the mark of being an adult. Not everyone is going to see reason the way I see it. And not everyone is going to stick around when my decision to take responsibility for my life means to say and think and be and do what they do not agree with.

At that point, I have a choice. I can go back to victimhood, change myself to suit their opinions, and silently blame them for "forcing" me to live in a box. Or I can own my choices. I can recognize that if I live in a box shaped by their criticisms, it is I who have chosen to take their specifications and build the box with my own hands. I can be who I am and accept their choice to not hang around as the consequence of my choices.

I happen to like not being a victim.

I need to find a quote from one of Alice Walker's novels, either The Color Purple or The Temple of My Familiar. Paraphrased, it goes something like this, "Shug recognized that society, having not been arranged for her convenience, was owed none of her loyalty." The longer I shake off the victimhood ingrained in me from my childhood, the more I understand, agree with, and live by that statement.

Comments

[ennuiescapist.livejournal.com]

Amen. I needed these words, today. Thank you. I'm struggling so much with this concept!!!

[wlotus.livejournal.com]

For various reasons, it can be a difficult concept to come to terms with. But the more you work on it, the easier it gets. Whatever you do, don't give up!

[ennuiescapist.livejournal.com]

I'm not...! Yet! Thank you!!

By the way, the moment I began reading Atlas Shrugged, I became angry and never picked up the book again. Looks like I'll have to give Ayn Rand another chance... Ten years ago, I did not have the patience, tolerance, or insight to read through something that called forth such strongly negative emotions.

[wlotus.livejournal.com]

The book made me livid at first. I deeply felt the unfairness of the situation people like Dagny and Hank were put in.

What made you so angry about the book?

[ennuiescapist.livejournal.com]

I don't recall what made me thrown down the book in disgust, anymore...

Perhaps it was the inherent narcissism/selfishness that seemed to be a part of the life philosophy of Ayn Rand? Unless I'm recalling the book incorrectly. This was 10 years ago, mind you...

[wlotus.livejournal.com]

If untempered by compassion for others, there is a lot of that in her philosophy. In order for her philosophy to be useful to me, I have to take the parts that boost my self-esteem and mix them with respect for all people.

[verucas-chaos.livejournal.com]

"I have also learned I cannot have my cake and eat it, too. Not everyone is going to be happy with my choices or recognize and respect them as the mark of being an adult"

You know I am fairly comfortable with myself, but even at 51 I have not quite been as mature as I want to be about this one. I still find myself wanting/seeking approval for all of my decisions. I wonder sometimes if I secretly think my father will find out that I made a bad choice and...well, I don't even know what to add there. I have a tattoo, but I won't tell my parents. I have no idea why.

[wlotus.livejournal.com]

Is that your tattoo in the icon? It's lovely!

You don't have you tell your parents anything about your choices, especially if it's something you know will open to the door to an unnecessary confrontation. Living our own lives does not mean baring all things to all people. We have to weigh what to tell people and what to keep to ourselves, then make our decision based on what is most important to us in that situation.

Yeah, baby!!!!

[mage-girl.livejournal.com]

Now THAT'S what I'M TALKING about!!!!

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT!!!!

Re: Yeah, baby!!!!

[wlotus.livejournal.com]

A couple of weeks ago my therapist and I talked about this idea, and I told her I have always felt I don't have a right to do that. It was easy to trace the source of that idea to my past, which got me thinking, "Hmmm...it's time I reassessed that assumption!" I got out of bed this morning thinking, "How dare I not?!?"

Re: Yeah, baby!!!!

[mage-girl.livejournal.com]

HAH!

That's the way it needs to be done.

I think Bear is going to do some more thinking on this...and I think that it's going to end up pretty damn good.

Thank you, Sistah.

XOXOXO

K.

[rockbirthedme.livejournal.com]

*applause*

*big hug*

I'm seeing a big victory here.

[wlotus.livejournal.com]

There is, and you're part of the support system that has made it possible.

::hugs back::

[rockbirthedme.livejournal.com]

One of the nicest things about being friends with you is that the support runs two ways. *more hugs*

[(Anonymous)]

YAY!!!

As someone who is in this process now, as well, I loved seeing this entry. And I like the concept of having cake and eating it applied to the whole idea.

The older I get, the more I realize how much I *appreciate* the consequence of others choosing not to be around b/c they don't like the choices I make for myself and my family ;>. (jGirl's mama)