How Dare I?
Jun. 25th, 2008 11:31 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
wlotusHow dare I consider someone's criticism of me and not change my behavior in accordance with their opinion? How dare I decide someone else's viewpoint makes no sense? How dare I decide my viewpoint is more applicable to my life than their viewpoint is and dismiss what they have said?
How dare I not?
The hallmark of adulthood is making up one's own mind about who to be and how to live. I was not raised to think that way; I was raised to please those who criticized me, irrespective of the cost to my sense of self, my time, my energy, and my soul. The burden to please was heaviest when the critic was someone who cared for me in some way. I spent a lot of my life feeling victimized because of that. But gradually, over the past nine years, I have learned I am not a victim of others' opinions. I may have been as a child, but as an adult, I and I alone have the power over my life.
I have also learned I cannot have my cake and eat it, too. Not everyone is going to be happy with my choices or recognize and respect them as the mark of being an adult. Not everyone is going to see reason the way I see it. And not everyone is going to stick around when my decision to take responsibility for my life means to say and think and be and do what they do not agree with.
At that point, I have a choice. I can go back to victimhood, change myself to suit their opinions, and silently blame them for "forcing" me to live in a box. Or I can own my choices. I can recognize that if I live in a box shaped by their criticisms, it is I who have chosen to take their specifications and build the box with my own hands. I can be who I am and accept their choice to not hang around as the consequence of my choices.
I happen to like not being a victim.
I need to find a quote from one of Alice Walker's novels, either The Color Purple or The Temple of My Familiar. Paraphrased, it goes something like this, "Shug recognized that society, having not been arranged for her convenience, was owed none of her loyalty." The longer I shake off the victimhood ingrained in me from my childhood, the more I understand, agree with, and live by that statement.
How dare I not?
The hallmark of adulthood is making up one's own mind about who to be and how to live. I was not raised to think that way; I was raised to please those who criticized me, irrespective of the cost to my sense of self, my time, my energy, and my soul. The burden to please was heaviest when the critic was someone who cared for me in some way. I spent a lot of my life feeling victimized because of that. But gradually, over the past nine years, I have learned I am not a victim of others' opinions. I may have been as a child, but as an adult, I and I alone have the power over my life.
I have also learned I cannot have my cake and eat it, too. Not everyone is going to be happy with my choices or recognize and respect them as the mark of being an adult. Not everyone is going to see reason the way I see it. And not everyone is going to stick around when my decision to take responsibility for my life means to say and think and be and do what they do not agree with.
At that point, I have a choice. I can go back to victimhood, change myself to suit their opinions, and silently blame them for "forcing" me to live in a box. Or I can own my choices. I can recognize that if I live in a box shaped by their criticisms, it is I who have chosen to take their specifications and build the box with my own hands. I can be who I am and accept their choice to not hang around as the consequence of my choices.
I happen to like not being a victim.
I need to find a quote from one of Alice Walker's novels, either The Color Purple or The Temple of My Familiar. Paraphrased, it goes something like this, "Shug recognized that society, having not been arranged for her convenience, was owed none of her loyalty." The longer I shake off the victimhood ingrained in me from my childhood, the more I understand, agree with, and live by that statement.
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no subject
Date: 2008-06-26 07:39 pm (UTC)Perhaps it was the inherent narcissism/selfishness that seemed to be a part of the life philosophy of Ayn Rand? Unless I'm recalling the book incorrectly. This was 10 years ago, mind you...
no subject
Date: 2008-06-26 07:45 pm (UTC)