Still Hanging On

[wlotus]

I had a conversation yesterday that reminded me I no longer believe the foundational tenets of Christianity. I don't believe there is a cognizant, independent being called "God"; to me, god is nothing more than another word for the life force that is found in all living things. I don't believe Jesus was any more or less divine than you or me; he was a person of incredibly strong convictions who treated people from all sexes and walks of life with radical equality in a time and culture where that was almost unheard of. I believe Bible accounts of things like the creation and the parting of the Red Sea are, most likely, myths like the ones the Greeks and Romans told about their gods to explain what they did not understand. (I still don't have a firm opinion on the stories about Jesus' death and resurrection.)

Yet I do not have any desire to withdraw my membership from The Riverside Church, a decidedly Christian church, in spite of not having attended a worship service since mid-summer, and in spite of not being involved in any ministries or classes there. I have no desire to find and join a Unitarian Universalist Church (UUC) congregation; because they are not decidedly Christian, it wouldn't feel like being a member of a "real" church to me. And I insist on defining myself as "Christian", though I am quite clear that my deep respect for how Jesus lived his life and my agreement with the things he taught is what makes a Christian, not belief in his divinity or the sometimes questionable teachings of his early followers.

I feel as though I am grasping at straws, and I do not understand why I am grasping.

Comments

[joystreet.livejournal.com]

My Sociology of Religion professor from a few years back loved church and was not only a regular member but the Choir Director where he attended, even though he identified as an Agnostic. This was an odd concept to me when I heard it, but it makes sense: He didn't believe in God or any of the stories recited during sermons, but Church, to him, was a valuable and distinct part of our (and most every) culture. He loved the community, the sense of togetherness, and the unity amongst and between this group of individuals who under most other circumstances wouldn't feel such a strong bond. He seemed quite peaceful in his explanation that despite the obviously oppressive and antiscientific concepts churned out from time to time, there was something else of value there that made it worth being a part of to him. He certainly gets something fulfilling out of the way he viewed the Church's use to him. I dunno, maybe that's where your space is, too. :)

[wlotus.livejournal.com]

It could be that in time, I will have a similar relationship to church. There are some things I am working through with regards to my particular church before I decide whether to go back or find another, but it is good to know there are people who get something valuable out of participating in spiritual community, even if they don't believe all of the tenets of that faith.

[wlotus.livejournal.com]

Also, I still have a ways to go before I can genuinely love church. Since I was dragged to church since before I was born, mostly against my will, I still feel resentment about all of the years of my life I spent in church instead of living and experiencing life. I want to love church, and I usually feel good about being there once I go, but making myself leave home to get there is a battle I usually don't win.